Topic: Heath Ledger - In Loving Memory

[ksxks]

That was the first movie I saw him in and I loved him in that. But then I lost track of him until BBM- lost track of a lot of things as I was lost in "middle earth" for a good many years but that's another story.

  to you. It's not lessening any for me either. I still have thoughts riddled with denial, I think I am done with the anger stage but am very much in the depression and numb stages. I haven't really been posting here much because I can't seem to gather my thoughts enough. Again big hugs to you. 

Same to you, LJN.     It is still so not okay.  It will never be, not for us left behind without him.  The world is just a lesser place without him.

kathy

[ksxks]

  I've noticed that some posts over the last several days have mentioned periods of severe reactions still occurring, and it is now about 2 weeks
since we lost Heath.  Am very grateful to those who did, because I've had the same experiences and it was comforting to know I wasn't losing
my mind.  Am especially grateful to Baby Tammy for telling of the haunting dream she had, and to Lance, who has been rightful to everybody.
And, of course, there were others who I've never met on the forum, but now know they are there and wonderful people.
   Grief is bad enough, but I have found emotional instability to be the larger challenge.  A lot of that bad reaction comes from some of the
information reported about Heath's last few months, most of which had been squashed, even before the industry people got that video banned.
I found much of the early reports credible, and they were very hurtful. One, which I ought to be able to mention here, was a tape of Heath
at a news conference openly saying he had had an obsession with the singer Nick Drake, who I looked up on the internet and it turned out
that guy had a terrible sleep disorder.  The early information, then, still lingers on to trouble me, although am fairly comfortable with the
tracking away from those stories and not airing them. But there was enough to flesh out a Heath Ledger that more than ever, deserved the love
we already had for him.
   It's kind of standard, now, the advice of many to focus on what was given to us, and to heal up in an orderly way, on some schedule.  But
people don't follow projected graph lines and anything can set off new hurts, even little stuff.  Yesterday, in the photos section, a quote from
Heath was posted, apparently in his own printing.  I can't win.  I studied graphoanalysis somewhat, years ago, and that field is accepted as
legitimate in courts cases.  Am not an expert, but that printing was off the charts in what it revealed: unusual dignity, yet unusual lack of ego.
Athletic and outgoing nature, yet wildly creative.  I would be very surprised if that wasn't his printing and would be glad to be wrong.  Because
even that one little discovery added to what is, for me, an unending torrent of information that we lost much more than we knew.  Well, wanted to thank the people who have comforted all of us, and ended up rambling.  I really am grateful for all of you being here.

I always appreciate your posts, Tony.  This that I bolded is so tragic, to me.  The more we find out about Heath, the more we know he was even more incredible than we already knew he was.  Just devastating, all that he would have done.,..

kathy

[ksxks]

It's sad to say, but I've hardly talked to any of my RL friends since Heath died. I know they can't really understand and I don't think I can bare criticism now. On the other hand I can't pretend that everything is fine with me either, so for now I just don't talk.

So sorry, Keren, but I think we all have this experience to some extent, more or less.  I have plenty of people I wouldn't even want to talk about Heath or BBM with (unfortunately, such as my sister), but I feel fortunate that I have enough people in my life on a daily basis, the ones that matter to me I mean, that have known of my BBM thing from the beginning, and they are respectful.  And I find they want to talk about Heath, as they, too, come to see what we have lost.

kathy

[ksxks]

Thank you so much Andrew. Let me tell you this is a very sweet post.  So now I'm in tears, 'cause I have to hear everyday a lot of shit about Heath, and every simple time I read some words beautiful about him my heart just melts, and then I know what my soul already knew, that Heath was an amazing touching tender human being.
...
Don’t tell me, I know already. I’m crazy, huh? But I’m the kind of girl who drowns herself in a glass of water, who cries for animals dying, for old people being abandoned, for lost friends…..I’m just so emotional and now, right now, I need marvellous words about Heath from all of you. So I’ll never be able to say how grateful I am every time I come here and I read all those beautiful posts of yours. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LOVING HEATH.

You're not crazy, you're wonderful.  I also can cry at the drop of a hat, at those same things, the puppy, the old man shuffling along by himself, for people in the past and what I didn't do...  And I just think life is so tragic...and Heath's death is just a tragedy.  Yes, I can find much, much beauty in his life, but it was just too short, and the loss is great.

Anyway, you are a beautiful energy, and I'm glad you have this place to share yourself.  I especially love what you said:  THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LOVING HEATH.

kathy

[LuvHeath4ever]

It's amazing what can bring you to the next stage of grief.  Tonight it was acceptance.

I finally watched Casanova, and really truly enjoyed it.  It made me laugh, I saw Heath in a totally different role from Ennis.  And I realize I will be able to enjoy seeing him as many times as I can put a DVD into my player, or as many times as I can look at pictures I have on my computer.

He truly seems to be alive through his movies.   

[FlwrChild]

Oh, I'm so glad you're making it to the other side.

I've been watching a lot of his movies again these last two weeks, just not BBM. I will enjoy his movies for years to come.

[jeffreymarc85]

    Thanks, NoReins, and Flowerchild.  Many thanks.  But was kind of referring to all of us from the discussion threads----we all post a lot and
was thinking the Brokies who never go there were wondering who we were and so explained, on those threads frequent posting is the norm.
   Well, back to what I've called the unending torrent of new information about Heath.  Found an interview with his father from another forum
with reference to the water pistol incident in Sydney.  Heath broke down and wept all night, called his Dad in the morning, and said: sell the house.
He just couldn't stand the petty hostility.
  Most of what I have read is staggering, particularly about the contradictions in his nature and the duality.  Extremely sensitive and easily hurt/
tough as nails.  Ambitious/indifferent.  Athletic/unusually artistic.  Extremely private/open to new friendships with ordinary people. Graceful/awkward.
Sure of himself/not sure of who he was.  Kind and generous and good/completely unable to reject obviously bad people.  On and on.
This man is surely a challenge to any biographer.  But I still like the note some moron left outside the bldg., where he died: tried to find something
bad about you--never could.  Whatever they come up with, they will find faults as we are all human.  But they will never find anything that rises
to the level of serious wrongfulness, deliberately done.  This man did not have and never understood---malice.  On that, alone, he was worthy
of love.

I've noticed all these opposites in Heath Ledger also because I've been watching as many interviews with him as I could in the last few weeks. He gets nervous when he's uncomfortable with a question and begins speaking fast and gesturing wildly. When he's comfortable, the words just flow out of him in that beautiful baritone as if he's a poet. He's graceful but his hands seem delicate and clumsy at the same time. It's almost as if he is many different people in one body, and he needs the artistic medium of acting to be able to express them all. There is one scene from Monster Ball when he reacts to his father's anger at him. It only lasts for 20 seconds but his expressions are so intense and beautiful that it's almost frightening to watch. He just opens up the most vulnerable place in himself and shows it to us. I've experienced this in real life but have never seen a male actor express such a complicated emotion. I know it's acting but with him it feels as if he allowed us into his most private inner life. It's really a gift he gave sharing that with so many people. He definitely was a complex and fascinating human being, and his talent touches us in such a way that we actually feel some deep love for his characters.

[titabeille]

My heart aches and my tears could not stop. It hurt so much to make the video but it was more bearable when all our hearts are together.

Heath Ledger and you all have inspired me. I took the liberty to quote many of you and I hope you don't mind. Thank you. 


Forum video tribute on YouTube - 10 minutes




To download, please visit this post

http://ennisjack.com/index.php?topic=11326.msg680842#msg680842

Thank you Ethan, this video is wonderful, it makes me cry again  :\'( :\'( :\'( :\'(.  The music is so sad too...  Thanks to have quoted us 

Simone

[keren_b]

Today is especially hard for me as I've heard the tests results are supposed to come out today. Don't know if it's true, but I'm waiting to hear.

Not that it matters much... no matter what the tests say, it's not gonna change how I feel about him or how broken I am. But at least I hope it's gonna put an end to all the rumors and the media will leave Heath's family alone.

[hpv]

I know it's been posted before but anyway.. from IMDB.

I heard some of the quotes in his enchanting deep baritone voice..

Heath's personal Quotes

"I only do this because I'm having fun. The day I stop having fun, I'll just walk away. I wasn't going to have fun doing a teen movie again.... I don't want to do this for the rest of my life....I don't want to spend the rest of my youth doing this in this industry. There's so much I want to discover." - Vanity Fair (August 2000)
"It's a little uncomfortable doing love scenes in armor, but, you know, when the heat's on, the heat's on." - ,August 2000.
[about the paparazzi] "Most of the time you don't even know they're there. Now, that's the scary thing. It's really strange and invading, but I'm still working it all out. I try to not let it bother me. I really try and find the humour in all of it. And if I want to swim naked in my pool, I'm still going to do it. I certainly don't want to feel that I have to change everything in my life that I do to cater to them. I just won't let it happen." - May 2001

"I don't have a technique. I've never been a believer in having one set technique on how to act. There are no rules and there is no rulebook. At the end of the day, it all comes down to my instincts. That's the one thing that guides me through every decision professionally. Socially, also. That's my technique. Yeah, you read through the script 100 times. I guess I have little characteristics about myself. Sometimes, most often than not, once we start shooting I won't look at the script at all until we finished shooting. It's kind of like it's been imprinted in my head during rehearsals. You just let it go." - May 2001

"I'm the worst auditioner, really, really bad. I mean, you're being judged and I'm just so aware of it that it consumes me. I can't relax, I'm tied in knots, so the voice is very taut and tense. You're so aware that you're acting 'cause you're sitting across from this lady with a piece of paper who's going, ''I'm. Going. To. Shoot. You. If. You. Don't. Blah, blah, blah,'' in this emotionless voice. It's foul. I hate it." - May 2001   

[about growing up with his mom and his sisters] I learned respect for women, and patience. You grow up with all those women around you...you learn to wait your turn. -June 1998

"The challenge was to capture the stillness of him. I have kind of semi-frantic, nervous energy. Harnassing that was something I thought I'd have to work out. Shooting in the wilderness, the stillness became like this innate quality." -on his character "Ennis" in Brokeback Mountain (2005).

"She's my soul mate and we couldn't love each other any more than we do already. We're like two peas in a pod." [On his girlfriend and the mother of his daughter, Michelle Williams].
"Matilda is adorable, and beautifully observant and wise. Michelle an I love her so much. Becoming a father exceeds all my expectations. It's the most remarkable experience I've ever had - it's marvelous." [On daughter Matilda and being a father]

"My life right now is, I wouldn't say reduced to food, but my duties in life are that I wake up, cook breakfast, clean the dishes, prepare lunch, clean those dishes, go to the market, get fresh produce, cook dinner, clean those dishes and then sleep if I can. And I love it. I actually adore it.
I'm not good at future planning. I don't plan at all. I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow. I don't have a day planner and I don't have a diary. I completely live in the now, not in the past, not in the future."

[On his choice of film projects] I feel like I'm wasting time if I repeat myself. I can't say I'm proud of my work. It's the same with everything I do: the day I say 'It's good' is the day I should start doing something else.

"I start to get bored, not with the choices I was making, because I didn't really have a choice. The choices were being made for me -- I was being thrown into projects. So I kind of put the brakes on that. In a sense, I destroyed my career to rebuild it again.
I like to do something I fear. I like to set up obstacles and defeat them. I like to be afraid of the project. I always am. When I get cast in something, I always believe I shouldn't have been cast. I fooled them again. I can't do it. I don't know how to do it. There's a huge amount of anxiety that drowns out any excitement I have toward the project."

[On playing "The Joker" in The Dark Knight (2008)] The Joker, so far, is definitely the most fun I've had with any character. He's just out of control -- no empathy, he's a sociopath, uh, a psychotic, mass-murdering clown. And, uh, I'm just thoroughly, thoroughly enjoying it. It's just exceeded any expectations I had of what the experience would be like."

:\'(   

[hpv]

I've just heard the song from James Blunt-Goodbye My Lover
It has the lines:
 "You touched my heart
You touched my soul"...
That's exactly how I feel...

Keren I hear you   , I also hope they stop speculate,sometimes I'm happy to be here and not having to hear all the ugly gossip about how and why..

[keren_b]

I've just heard the song from James Blunt-Goodbye My Lover
It has the lines:
 "You touched my heart
You touched my soul"...
That's exactly how I feel...

Keren I hear you   , I also hope they stop speculate,sometimes I'm happy to be here and not having to hear all the ugly gossip about how and why..

You're freeking me out, I was just humming "Goodbye My Lover" to myself and came here to find this post. The line that's stuck in my head is "I'm so hollow baby, I'm so hollow..."

[MississaugaRed]

    Hello everybody.  Yesterday BBBOY thanked me and Lance for posting a lot, but it occurred to me, that some others might take offense at
those of us who frequently post, as if we're saying our grief and shock is greater.   It's the nature of cyberspace that it can be
so easy to get something wrong, and though it's a small matter-would like to explain.
   It's a big forum we have here, with many cubbyholes, and many of us never run into each other outside those areas.  But there are a number
of us from the discussion threads, and there, frequent posting is not only normal, but necessary, and even encouraged.  So we're showing up
here, carrying with us those habits, and with no intent other than to keep everybody together.
   No big deal, but if you are not familiar with us because you aren't ever in the discussion threads, please understand---nobody is saying we
know more, or feel more than you do.  There's about 10 of us, and that's the explanation.  We're trying to use our habits there, to help keep
everybody together here.  It was just a thought, that some Brokies from other forum areas might have wondered why we post often.  No biggie.
That's the reason.  Myself, I have been greatly comforted by reading posts from those I never knew of & hope they keep at it.

Hi, Tony ...

Please, your posts, and Lance's and the posts of everyone on here do exactly what you said at the end of your post I've quoted above - they bring comfort.  There is no room for offense when we're all sharing the feelings, even  those of us who don't post as often.  I know for me it helps to have others here who can continue to put the words to what we're going through when I can't. 

I'll just say thank you to everyone posting on this board, frequently or infrequently, for making this place of support and community possible.  It matters.  And it comforts. 

[Carlab31]

My heart goes out to his family  :\'(

[hpv]

You're freeking me out, I was just humming "Goodbye My Lover" to myself and came here to find this post. The line that's stuck in my head is "I'm so hollow baby, I'm so hollow..."

Oh, Keren it's not a coincidence we both loved him and have the same feeling about it, plus I have this song playing constantly ... 

[Rosie]

Tony-I agree with No Reins and FC. I'm glad for everyone here that is able to not only articulate their thoughts but to share them with the rest of us. I've been reading but can't get mine together. When I do they will probably be long monster posts. I feel crappy at times because I haven't said all that much here. But there is no limit on posts or words and every post by everyone is appreciated.

  To all dealing with RL people. I have my two RL friends that I can share with but other than that no one really knows that I am still in a bad place with all of this except for people here. They wouldn't understand and to hear bad things such as them placing judgement on why I feel the way I do is something I don't want or need. But no one on the "outside" ever really understood the BBM thing so I don't expect them to understand this. We've been there all along for each other and it's comfortable here. We know we're safe here.

Exactly. 

[afhickman]

It's official.  This, according to Breaking News on the CNN site:

The New York City medical examiner's office has ruled that Heath Ledger died of an accidental overdose of prescription drugs.

It hardly mitigates the tragedy, but the John Gibsons of the world can now officially go to hell.

[lancecowboy]

It's official.  This, according to Breaking News on the CNN site:

The New York City medical examiner's office has ruled that Heath Ledger died of an accidental overdose of prescription drugs.

It hardly mitigates the tragedy, but the John Gibsons of the world can now officially go to hell.

Thanks, afhickman. The news did nothing for me because I already accepted that as what happened. But your last paragraph puts me in tears because I know exactly how you feel.  :\'(

[Emzan]

It's official.  This, according to Breaking News on the CNN site:

The New York City medical examiner's office has ruled that Heath Ledger died of an accidental overdose of prescription drugs.

It hardly mitigates the tragedy, but the John Gibsons of the world can now officially go to hell.

For me it feels good to know what happend but at the same time I realise that he's gone and won't come back :\'(
I just hope his family is ok.

[HLJG]

I've just heard the song from James Blunt-Goodbye My Lover
It has the lines:
 "You touched my heart
You touched my soul"...
That's exactly how I feel...

Keren I hear you   , I also hope they stop speculate,sometimes I'm happy to be here and not having to hear all the ugly gossip about how and why..

OMG--of all the Brokeback Mt tribute videos (on YouTube), I have 2 favourites.
One is with the song "October" by Evanescence (truly haunting) and my 2nd fave is James Blunt's "Goodbye My Lover".
The others are all great, but those two, in particular, touch my soul more deeply.

[HLJG]

Thanks, afhickman. The news did nothing for me because I already accepted that as what happened. But your last paragraph puts me in tears because I know exactly how you feel.  :\'(

Indeed. People are too quick to judge.

[babytammy7]

It's official.  This, according to Breaking News on the CNN site:

The New York City medical examiner's office has ruled that Heath Ledger died of an accidental overdose of prescription drugs.

It hardly mitigates the tragedy, but the John Gibsons of the world can now officially go to hell.

Oh my.... :\'(  :\'(  :\'( I can't stand hear about his death....sorry...

But you're so right friend, at least, that bunch of assholes will have to shup up their f**ing mouths once and for all!!!

[City Slickin' Cowboy]

I just found out the autopsy results. I am glad to hear it was accidental.  The whole thing is still such a tragedy. :\'(

[jackster]

Thank God. The report is in, you made a simple human mistake.

Your body (which magically served you so well) is at rest, at home, in your beloved Australia.

Your spirit is now truly free to fly forever in your work and in the minds of men everywhere.

(Thanks again Cham for this very beautiful photo)

[LuvJackNasty]

Barb sent me the news at work. Needless to say I burst into tears and actually almost threw up.
This isn't going to change one thing in terms of feelings for him etc That's not even an issue for me.
I know this probably sounds selfish but I wanted/needed it to be natural causes- not that any ruling was going to magically change the cold, brutal fact that he is gone.  :\'( I guess it was more of having him vindicated in the media.
I guess at the end of the day none of that matters because to those that truly cared this will change nothing and to those that will pass judgements, well I can't say here what I'd say to them. And also to know that there was nothing that could have been done but again- nothing was going to put us back two weeks ago and undo any of it.
I sincerely hope that the media doesn't do their spin doctoring and turn a horrible accident into something it's not. Somehow I think that won't be the case and they should just let him rest in peace.
I'm rambling- don't even know if this is coherent. I still can't believe that any of this is real- my brain is still not comprehending one bit of the past two weeks. I still feel like this is some cruel alternate reality.  :\'(

[FlwrChild]

Of course this is the first place I came when I heard the news, much like I did two weeks ago. Just knowing you are all here feeling the same way helps me process my own feelings. So big  to everyone.

I thought that his father's statement was beautiful, and that it was so generous of him to share that with us. As Christie said in the other thread, tears sprang to my eyes when I read his description of "our boy." :\'( God, I wish I could just give him a gentle hug.  And what a nice guy to bother giving us such warm statements at all.


I also think his message is clear - "Do not paint my son as a tragic figure, haunted by despair. This was an unfortunate accident and nothing more."
 
I for one will abide by his wishes.


And, like hpv, I'm glad that the people here have been doing that all along. It is clear when you come here that Heath was and is well loved by our family.

[froggy]

I still can't believe that any of this is real- my brain is still not comprehending one bit of the past two weeks. I still feel like this is some cruel alternate reality.  :\'(

even with the results in, I still can't believe it's true...he can't be gone...he is in my mind all the time.

[hpv]

I still can't believe that any of this is real- my brain is still not comprehending one bit of the past two weeks. I still feel like this is some cruel alternate reality.  :\'(

Oh, LJN...
 I can quote you word by word.
Even with the news,I can't bring myself to spell the word "au"...(I was certain of the results) I'm kind of glad, but not really, since it won't bring him back... nothing will..........

[babytammy7]

This confirms those words that one brokie said, that Heath would kick his own ass for this terrible accident, for him having been imprudent.

Today I told to Ali (MyPrivateJack) that I was stunned reading that inform, ‘cause it was saying that was not the amount of pills but the mix of them what killed him. And I was so shocked ‘cause I do the same the whole time. I have very horrible pains several times a month (long story) and I can’t stand that…..so I use to take so many pills….and I use to mix several kinds of them. My mother and friends are always really mad at me for that….but until today I never saw the danger. I could have been him, many of us could have been him. I think Linda was so right when she said that how easy it is to take to many prescription drugs. People know the dangers of illegal drugs but too many think that if you have prescription drugs it's okay. It’s so easy to find death when you try to sleep or to calm pain with pills that doctor gave you. You don’t have to be a junkie to die ‘cause of drugs.

I know I must be feeling quite better knowing that all this was only a tragic accident, but in a way I can not explain I feel really worse, ‘cause that show me even more clearly that he wanted to live. I’ve never had doubts about that, but to think about all those dreams he had, all the love he wanted to give, makes me deeply sad now I know that he went to sleep waiting for another day to make his dreams come true, to see his baby Matilda, simply to live.

And now I can’t stand the idea that maybe he’s so sad and angry wherever he is, ‘cause he wanted so bad to live and a tragic mistake of his ruined it all. Oh my, he was so perfectionist in all his works and, you see, one only mistake and……

That so sad and just unfair. I know Heath, I’m mad too, I’m broken too.  :\'(  :\'(

[FlwrChild]

Tammy, I actually like what you say about him "wanting to live...that he went to sleep waiting for another day to make his dreams come true..."

Because, you see, that's how he lived his life. And that means that there were no wasted days, which means that he did get everything out of life there was to get. And that's as good as any of us can hope for. So as tragic as it is that he left all too soon, I do find some comfort in knowing that he lived so well.

And I really believe that the burden of regret is on the people that are left behind, not the departed. In my heart, I feel that all such concerns are left behind. So I don't think that he is sad, but I do think that he will watch over his family while they go through their sadness. And who better to have watch over them than someone who loves them so much?