Well, Brokie in trouble, today. Me. For some reason, I had thought getting past Heath's birthday would be a big step forward on a lot of personal healing where I had thought I had been doing very, very well, anyway. Don't know how or why but today I crashed bad for the first time since 1/22.
So much for theories. Please let me bleed a little today, as that would help.
I had a sort of secret when I came to this forum, and that was that I had a great respect for Heath as someone who represented the opposite of everything I did not like going on in my life. And in the world. I had seen BBM, was bowled over, but Heath Ledger was just one of the actors, and no big deal. Then, on the DVD, there were interviews with Heath, the person, and I saw ruggednesss and sensitivity, intelligence without ego, that goofy sense of humor and DAMN - - the friend I'd always wanted. So I joined the forum to be around people who respected the movie, yes, but also to be around those who also thought well of Heath. It was a way to explore the movie, but also have a friendship from a distance.
But I had never trolled the photos much, nor read all the interviews---Heath was....Heath. Why bother? When he died, though, there was a deluge of information, a fleshing out of the person, and this time, I read and found so much more to him, making the loss so much more to the worse. Just as I was learning so much more to the good, then, was exactly when he was gone.
I remember doing fairly well on this thread, and trying to console others. I didn't go weepy, but held back. PM's helped a lot. I had never socialized much by PM, but had a river of PM's and e-mails that were a great help. Most came to me, and I wouldn't mention the names of those that were intense and prolonged, but can mention and thank those who, out of common decency, checked in once, or more often, including LD, Jer, Michelle, Ayashae, Alicia, and, of course, Andrew. I couldn't write to Baby Tammy as we would have both have been a mess-she gets me emotional.
I didn't do so well when I originated PM's. I sent a few off to Kathy, during a confused 1-2 days, she was kindness itself, but she's probably still scratching her head over a brief period when I was doing research on Heath and it was all garbled.
Then there were the posts. I noticed FlowerChild put aside her own grief and rushed to help others. I saw Keren's posts and was miserable over an occasion when I had been rude to her, months before. And now, here I was, dependent on Keren for her work on the photo & interview pages.
Having been a jerk, all I could do was grieve along with her, separately.
The most beautiful help came from people I'd never met, who don't post much, so I can't mention them. Welshwitch, who is my favorite Brokie, for her wit and good will, was of the other kind, someone I wrote and she was kind enough to write back.
But it was all a blur, the memorial threads, the PM's and a sense that things would get better. And they always did. I got through 10 weeks so well, am almost ashamed I could just bumble along, read the beautiful poetry, help out where I could, and feel so very good about those that wrote me of their hurts, that I could help.
But today - out of nowhere, it finally caught up with me. There's no going back. The blur is now a sharp focus. A good man I wanted to think of as the best possible friend in a world of too much malice, really is gone. Why today, I don't know. Maybe it's progress, moving out of the blur and just accepting, fully and finally, there isn't any going back. Thanks for letting me bleed a little. The way I see it, each of us meets that day of transition,
and it can really be a sting, as one door closes and you have to look for another that will open up. Sorry for getting personal. A very rough day.
