I’ve been there. Today for the first time since I am a member of Parnassus site I’ve dared to read some threads and spend almost an hour there…..Wrong thing to do.
I’ve tried, really tried to read more and even post, but I just can not. I was reading some posts in the thread about BBM and then in Heath Haven and I didn’t realize I was crying till I couldn’t see the words anymore. I still don’t know why I was crying. That place feels so different for me. I don’t know how to express that feeling with words. It’s like I am used to be here. Reading all your posts about Heath or about our boys Ennis and Jack still move me and of course leaves me in awe. But reading about it in that forum is another totally mindblowing experience. It doesn’t move me, it just hurts me....bad. I know most of the brokies there (LJ and DC forum), even if some of them don’t know me, but reading all what they think about Heath or about BBM is so new to me. I mean, I guess that after two years here at Ennisjack I kinda know how everyone thinks here, and how they feel about our baby and about BBM, but I didn’t know what all those brokies there thought and felt about Heath or about Ennis and Jack, and some of them think in a very different way from what I’ve seen here......They talk about things I never thought about....so it all is like when I got here for the first time, when every post and word made me cry; it all brought back the whole BBM experience with such force......Reading about the Dozy Embrace or about the shirts under that new light, reading about all the wonderful things Heath used to say and I didn’t know about, reading about what those people that I never talked to before feel about him...well, it had me in tears for the whole hour I was there.
I know I am not making much sense. Lately I kinda have problems to put into words what I am feeling, and, God, it’s too much. I am so emotional these days.
I guess that what I felt this afternoon in the Parnassus forum was the same I felt when I first came here and realized that I was not alone in my pain, that I was not the only person in the world who couldn’t stop thinking about BBM, that I was not crazy. I guess that I got used to know that Keren, or Jess, or Luri, or Shawn, or Tony, or Andrew cry their eyes out everytime they think about Heath, that I forgot that there are so many more people out there who are shattered because of Heath’s death, so that “I am not/we are not alone” realization hit me again, after two years, like a ton of bricks. And let me tell you that it’s overwhelming. And I should feel grateful for that, should find comfort in knowing that our love for BBM and our sadness about Heath is shared for so many people, but the truth is that I can not stand reading about it, about how beaten people feel, how moved they get when they talk or think about that all. As I said, I kinda got used to “our” way of expressing our BBM love here, to our way of grieving, so finding out what those other brokies think about Heath or Ennis or Jack or the SS just was like a punch..,something new and unexpected.
Also, I know that for most of the people Ennis will be always Heath. Well, for me it’s the other way around. Heath will be always Ennis. I know that Heath was a proud man, not the ashamed man Ennis was. I know that Heath loved his life and was excited about all his projects. And still, when I look at his pics (that’s another reason I run away from threads about Heath’s pics) I can see something in his eyes....something so Ennis, so full of troubled nostalgia. And also those last months living alone, without Michelle and Tiddy, reminds me of Ennis in his trailer. I know that Heath was happy with TDK and Parnassus, but we can not forget that living without his girls left him utterly devastate, and maybe it’s the nostalgia I see in his eyes in all those pics. So reading about that very unique and, for me, even revolutionary vision of Ennis those brokies there have, and knowing that Heath was the one who created the magic, squeezed my heart in a way never felt before.
I don’t know if this avalanche of messed up feelings is due to my visit to the Parnassus site or maybe because of a two days huge migraine I tried to calm with cafeine pills that instead of help gave me anxiety....Jeez.....I am lame!!
Anyway, I guess that maybe it’s better for me if I stick to the clicking team and get my hand sore from so much clicking, instead of f*ck around with my heart and try to post there, because if I go there again for sure you’ll get another long rambling post here, and I don’t think you want that, right?
Off to click or cry or just put my head under cold water.
Thank you for listening.