Brokeback Mountain Forum @ ennisjack.com
The Movie & Story => News Coverage, Reviews & Awards => Topic started by: malawix on May 30, 2006, 03:04 PM
-
PREMIERE (US) March 2006
"If you ask me" by Libby Gelman-Waxner
(https://ennisjack.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi71.imagethrust.com%2Fi%2F52967%2Fbbm.jpg&hash=686776929a3377d41de4b89e05e87997761b9860)
BROKEBACK MOUNTIN'
Heath and Jake as cowboys in love? Giddyap!
You know that look on a kid's face when he gallops downstairs on Christmas morning and sees all of the packages that Santa has magically delivered, that moment when you realize that wrapping paper is foreplay for children? My cousin Andrew had that exact same look when I promised to take him to a preview screening of the now-acclaimed Brokeback Mountain. Andrew had been feeling a little down because Scott, his boyfriend of almost five weeks, had just dumped him". I really thought that he was the love of my life", Andrew confided, "because he was the third guy named Scott that I'd lasted more than a month with, and isn't the third time supposed to be the charm?"
I know that I'm not supposed to call Brokeback the gay cowboy movie, although I'm not exactly sure why. "I think it's because calling it that makes straight movie critics feel nervous", Andrew decided. I asked Andrew if he had any problems with the notion of gay cowboys, and after he got his sobbing under control, he said, "All I know is that when I was little and I put my sister's Barbie's cowgirl hat on Ken, he looked thrilled. And when I put cowboy Ken together with my G.I. Joe, I told my parents I was finally proud to be an American, even if they said I had to stop rubbing the two dolls together at the table during our Passover seder". The movie was being shown at a plush midtown screening room, and when Andrew removed his cashmere topcoat, I saw that over his $700 hand-distressed Japanese jeans he was wearing a handtooled leather belt with holsters for two cap pistols - "to show respect for the filmmakers", he informed me. As the lights went down, Andrew began to hyperventilate, so I hugged him and promised, "Don't worry. I'm sure they're not going to kiss right away". "But you have to understand something", Andrew gasped. "This movie stars Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal as boyfriends. That's the gay
equivalent of peace in the Middle East".
The movie began with Heath and Jake joining up to herd sheep in the mountains of Wyoming. "Look at that", Andrew sighed. "Two hunky men, helping to create cardigans and crewnecks - it's a milestone!" "Calm down", I cautioned, as Heath and Jake escaped from the evening chill by sharing a small tent. "Omigod, omigod, OMIGOD", Andrew moaned. "This is my dream - it's the first Ralph Lauren porn movie!" Then, after some steamy tussling, Heath spat into his palm and yanked down Jake's Levi's; this was when Andrew's head actually left his neck and shot up toward the ceiling. As I leapt from my seat to catch the head and shove it back onto his spinal column, Andrew yelped, "He's using spit! That means that he really loves him!" I have to agree that the scene was incredibly erotic, although, personally, I would have liked to see some Kleenex tucked into the couple's bedrolls. "It's really hot", I told Andrew, "and I don't want to spoil this for you, but it's prairie sex, so what about - bugs?"
"Shut up", Andrew hissed at me, but I could tell that he was also wondering if, for their next date, maybe Heath and Jake could use some of their herding salaries for a room at a Best Western. As Heath and Jake romped around shirtless on the range, Andrew began babbling, through his oxygen mask: "It's Butch and Sundance, before they got married and founded the film festival; it's Starsky and Hutch; it's Abercrombie and Fitch; I want the Brokeback Happy Meal and all of the action figures, the ones with tiny little bandannas and ChapStick!"
After their herding adventure, Heath and Jake separate and move to different states. "Long-distance relationships are total agony", Andrew empathized. "It's just like when the first Scott I went out with had to fly to Milan and rethink the Armani home collection". Then Heath gets married to Michelle Williams, and they have some kids, but Heath and Jake still manage to hook up for some passionate fishing trips. "I knew it!" Andrew exclaimed. "I knew that no one ever really goes fishing! It's always a euphemism, like playing chess or becoming a Navy SEAL".
Jake eventually gets hitched as well, to a Texas beauty. "They both have to get married", Andrew explained, "because they're living in small towns in the '60s. This was before gyms." Then, Michelle catches Heath and Jake in a violently powerful kiss, and Andrew became so aroused that he blindly grabbed the man next to him and began making out furiously, only to apologize when he came up for air and realized that he'd been necking with Tom Brokaw. "I'm so sorry," Andrew told him. "No need", said Tom, who'd been distracted by a similar nearby petting session between Ebert and Roeper. "It's the magic of Brokeback", Andrew whispered to me, although my sympathies were heading more toward Heath's and Jake's wives. Why didn't they both remember the most fundamental law for any happy wedlock: Never marry a guy who's cuter than you?
As the movie progressed, Jake pushed for a true relationship, but Heath wasn't ready. "It's just like me and the second Scott", Andrew remarked. "He was terrified of getting serious, plus he didn't like it when I Scotch-taped a Polaroid of Jake Gyllenhaal in Jarhead to his nose while we were having sex". Eventually Heath and Jake get older, develop '70s facial hair, and ultimately encounter tragedy. "It's so sad!" Andrew wailed, now bawling openly. "But it's so satisfying", he continued, "because at least Heath won't have to run into Jake with his new boyfriend at CVS". I had to agree: Brokeback is a totally dreamy love story, and it's much more moving than Titanic. "In Titanic Kate Winslet wound up with a heart-shaped diamond", Andrew said, "but Brokeback is more heart-wrenching because one of the guys ends up with ablood-stained flannel shirt, which he never has drycleaned - it's the ultimate gay sacrifice".
Andrew was so grateful to me that he agreed to go see Munich, which is a less romantic movie, centering on the Israeli response to the terrorist killings at the 1972 Summer Olympics. Munich is a thoughtprovoking thriller, in which Eric Bana plays Avner, who heads up a secret cadre of Israeli assassins seeking vengeance. The movie tries hard not to portray Jewish stereotypes, even if Eric and his bombmaker are both given bar-mitzvah-boy perms. My personal cinematic landmark is this: As another member of the elite group, Daniel Craig seems to be playing a Jew. Now I know that in real life there are plenty of hunky blond Jewish dudes, but the moment where Daniel, the next James Bond, refers to something as "a shande for the goyim", was my version of Heath and Jake's big smooch. To each his or her own political orgasm, if you ask me.
(Illustration by Joshua Gorchov)
-
Thank you malawix.
Funny, but has some beautiful truths:
I had to agree: Brokeback is a totally dreamy love story, and it's much more moving than Titanic. "In Titanic Kate Winslet wound up with a heart-shaped diamond", Andrew said, "but Brokeback is more heart-wrenching because one of the guys ends up with ablood-stained flannel shirt, which he never has drycleaned - it's the ultimate gay sacrifice".
Indeed, it is.
-
Thankyou malawix,
That was really amusing to read.This line made me laugh out loud.
"But you have to understand something", Andrew gasped. "This movie stars Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal as boyfriends. That's the gay equivalent of peace in the Middle East".
Nice artwork too.
Jennis.x
-
....although my sympathies were heading more toward Heath's and Jake's wives. Why didn't they both remember the most fundamental law for any happy wedlock: Never marry a guy who's cuter than you?
Very nice one, malawix. Thanks!
-
I have cried lots of tears here malawix, and only a few from laughter. This is one of those few times. I laughed so hard I was crying. What a great "review". Thank you so much for sharing it.
One of the many lines I loved was, ""Look at that", Andrew sighed. "Two hunky men, helping to create cardigans and crewnecks - it's a milestone!"
-
"I want the Brokeback Happy meal and all of the action figures, the ones with tiny little bandanas and Chapstick!"
Love it! The whole thing is adorable and creative.
-
"plus he didn't like it when I Scotch-taped a Polaroid of Jake Gyllenhaal in Jarhead to his nose while we were having sex."
LMAO! Great article!
P.S. My husband hates that too ;)
-
aw.. thanks malawix for sharing that. quite of a few warm smiles came on my face just by reading it, especially with this soothing relaxing music I have going on.. it touches me to hear things like this
question : PREMIERE Us, March 2006, is that a magazine? and if so, some person sent in that article right? and its true correct?