Topic: Ennis breaking down in alleyway after leaving Jack

[tpe]

This is the scene at which BBM got me.  The very first time I saw it, I was just watching a movie -- until that scene.  Then, I saw a "truth" I had never seen depicted before, but have experienced.  I believe Ennis broke down over his bereavement.  He suddenly realized he had lost Jack.  After two months of being with him daily ( and nightly), he was now without him totally.  I experienced this type of bereavement one time after being with a group of artists for one whole week, being with these people everyday, engrossed in nature ( in Gatlinburg, TN), doing everything together, with the outside world completely forgotten.  We didn't even watch the news on tv, no computers, no cell-phones -- just us together making art.  As I drove out of the gates of the community (Arrowmont) into downtown Gatlinburg, my guts cramped, I broke down in sobs, and I felt as if a part of my lie was over, and I didn't want it to be over.  It had been such a wonderful week, I had no desire to go back to my regular life.

So, when I saw Ennis acting out the feelings I had had several years earlier, I felt he was acting out his loss of Jack.  He would now return to his regular life -- no Jack, no life with Jack, no sex with Jack,no Jack in any way, shape or form.  Just total bereavement.

This is certainly a very valid point -- I would think that all of us would relate to it.  True, it was like ending an idyll, and a sudden re-entry into the real world.  I think all of us have experienced something like this at one time or another, no?  It can also be thought of as the sinking feeling we have after waking up from a beautiful dream.

[tpe]

All of your posts are beautiful, astute.  This scene is so expressive of Ennis, of someone not being in touch with his feelings, his truth.  And in those moments, he did indeed think that the best time of his life was over...  A sad thing to think, at 19.

kathy

Perhaps his thoughts were true.

[lamusica]

Tpe, your comment that Ennis may have felt as we sometimes do when waking from a dream is right on.  I have awoken from dreams and cried because I could not go back into that dream world and play out the whole story to the end.  That is, I believe, Ennis's feelings exactly.  That's how he feels, but I don't think he could put those feelings into words if he tried to.
Considering Ennis past life, I doubt that he had experienced anything that was so profound and so beautiful and fully emotional as this idyllic time spent on BBM with Jack.  This was a new feeling for him -- that of having lost something so wonderful and feeling that he could never get it back.

[lancecowboy]

lamusica, tpe,  beautiful words

Grief and bereavement in the alley, turned into anger and anguish.

[tpe]

Tpe, your comment that Ennis may have felt as we sometimes do when waking from a dream is right on.  I have awoken from dreams and cried because I could not go back into that dream world and play out the whole story to the end.  That is, I believe, Ennis's feelings exactly.  That's how he feels, but I don't think he could put those feelings into words if he tried to.
Considering Ennis past life, I doubt that he had experienced anything that was so profound and so beautiful and fully emotional as this idyllic time spent on BBM with Jack.  This was a new feeling for him -- that of having lost something so wonderful and feeling that he could never get it back.

lamusica, tpe,  beautiful words

Grief and bereavement in the alley, turned into anger and anguish.

Thanks lamusica and lance!

I think this was certainly part of the reason for the collapse in the alley: the realization thjat they could never go back.  I feel that they knew this even then.  Sure, jack came back the next summer -- hoping against hope.  But I think he knew the outcome all along.  It is this realization that makes the scene in the alley all the more poigniant.

[myprivatejack]

Thanks lamusica and lance!

I think this was certainly part of the reason for the collapse in the alley: the realization thjat they could never go back.  I feel that they knew this even then.  Sure, jack came back the next summer -- hoping against hope.  But I think he knew the outcome all along.  It is this realization that makes the scene in the alley all the more poigniant.

I think Ennis thought and knew for sure that they could never go back,yes;but also,somehow,that this time on the mountain has "awaken" some hidden and unknown feelings,another way of loving,that became a shock for him.The main reason for the collapse was having run away from his first and true love,doubtless; but also knowing that this love was another man and that was a handicap that separated them more than the simple end of the summer.Now that he had found true love he must come back to the real life,and do what society was waiting of him,what he didn't want to do inside himself...He must marry,he must bear children,he must love a woman...and he didn't want to.Because he had fallen in love with a boy,the same than Earl and Rich,and he knew he was never going to do the same things with him than with Alma.He was gay,and something inside him-in spite of all the pain for having loosing Jack...-was in trouble between what he wanted and what he must do,who he was and who he must be.I agree with Samira in that it wasn't too early to be shocked for his gay feelings; somebody so shocked as Ennis necessarily must feel this as something revolving.Even,I repeat,if his main concern was not seeing his love anymore.JMHO.

[Asali]

I think Ennis thought and knew for sure that they could never go back,yes;but also,somehow,that this time on the mountain has "awaken" some hidden and unknown feelings,another way of loving,that became a shock for him.The main reason for the collapse was having run away from his first and true love,doubtless; but also knowing that this love was another man and that was a handicap that separated them more than the simple end of the summer.Now that he had found true love he must come back to the real life,and do what society was waiting of him,what he didn't want to do inside himself...He must marry,he must bear children,he must love a woman...and he didn't want to.Because he had fallen in love with a boy,the same than Earl and Rich,and he knew he was never going to do the same things with him than with Alma.He was gay,and something inside him-in spite of all the pain for having loosing Jack...-was in trouble between what he wanted and what he must do,who he was and who he must be.I agree with Samira in that it wasn't too early to be shocked for his gay feelings; somebody so shocked as Ennis necessarily must feel this as something revolving.Even,I repeat,if his main concern was not seeing his love anymore.JMHO.

This post is the words I have been trying to find for this scene, the parts that I bolded are my main thoughts, the realisation of what was and what was to be.

[myprivatejack]

This post is the words I have been trying to find for this scene, the parts that I bolded are my main thoughts, the realisation of what was and what was to be.

Thank you so much,Pauline ¡    I'm glad we share our thoughts about Ennis; the realisation of what was and what was to be...

[tpe]

I think Ennis thought and knew for sure that they could never go back,yes;but also,somehow,that this time on the mountain has "awaken" some hidden and unknown feelings,another way of loving,that became a shock for him.The main reason for the collapse was having run away from his first and true love,doubtless; but also knowing that this love was another man and that was a handicap that separated them more than the simple end of the summer.Now that he had found true love he must come back to the real life,and do what society was waiting of him,what he didn't want to do inside himself...He must marry,he must bear children,he must love a woman...and he didn't want to.Because he had fallen in love with a boy,the same than Earl and Rich,and he knew he was never going to do the same things with him than with Alma.He was gay,and something inside him-in spite of all the pain for having loosing Jack...-was in trouble between what he wanted and what he must do,who he was and who he must be.I agree with Samira in that it wasn't too early to be shocked for his gay feelings; somebody so shocked as Ennis necessarily must feel this as something revolving.Even,I repeat,if his main concern was not seeing his love anymore.JMHO.

Yes, For me, the collapse in the alley was caused primarily by his turning away from Jack -- against the wished of his own heart.  Turning away from Jack was equivalent to turning away from himself.   This, couple with his belief that he would never go back (i.e., never see jack again),  went contrary to his very nature.  It is revealing to note that during the next 4 years, he still hoped against hope that Jack would get in touch with him, even thouigh he himself seemed resigned to the permanence of separation.

 

[tpe]

...the realisation of what was and what was to be.

Indeed, it is.

[myprivatejack]

As I've already told in some other threads,yesterday my Alma declared that the reason why Ennis breaks down in the alley is not only,or even not mainly,for having leave Jack.But that the fact he's puking is due to the loathing he feels against himself for having became "a queer"; and that,bearing in mind his attitude in later scenes,this is what guided his behaviour during all his life...That he could feel "something" for Jack,but that this "something" soon turned into a lot of questions to himself about what we was going to do in the "normal" life with or without Jack;because he had been "marked" for the awful level of "fag" and,so,he felt unable to face Alma and a "normal man's life" after that.Because he asked to himself"why this man attracted him so much" and why this had to occur...In sum,that puke was an inner reaction of his loathing against himself,his nonacceptance of his feelings and his deepest way of being.I don't know if this makes sense...

[jesseanne21]

As I've already told in some other threads,yesterday my Alma declared that the reason why Ennis breaks down in the alley is not only,or even not mainly,for having leave Jack.But that the fact he's puking is due to the loathing he feels against himself for having became "a queer"; and that,bearing in mind his attitude in later scenes,this is what guided his behaviour during all his life...That he could feel "something" for Jack,but that this "something" soon turned into a lot of questions to himself about what we was going to do in the "normal" life with or without Jack;because he had been "marked" for the awful level of "fag" and,so,he felt unable to face Alma and a "normal man's life" after that.Because he asked to himself"why this man attracted him so much" and why this had to occur...In sum,that puke was an inner reaction of his loathing against himself,his nonacceptance of his feelings and his deepest way of being.I don't know if this makes sense...

Myprivatejack - Have you or your Alma read the BBM short story?  I can see why your Alma might feel that Ennis was puking out of self-loathing for becoming a 'queer', but in the short story when Ennis and Jack part after their summer on Brokeback, it clearly reads, "Within a mile Ennis felt like someone was pulling his guts out hand over hand a yard at a time.  He stopped at the side of the road and, in the whirling new snow, tried to puke but nothing came up.  He felt about  as bad as he ever had and it took a long time for the feeling to wear off."

Later at their reunion after four years, Ennis tells Jack, "That summer," said Ennis."When we split up after we got paid out I had gut cramps so bad I pulled over and tried to puke, thought I ate somethin bad at that place in Dubois. Took me about a year a figure out it was that I shouldn't a let you out a my sights. Too late then by a long, long while."

Maybe later, when he had time to think about his summer with Jack, Ennis may have felt guilt and/or self-loathing, but at that moment of parting Ennis was in emotional PAIN.  Emotions are ENERGY IN MOTION in the body.  Ennis tried to act stoic and unconcerned  (unaffected) about leaving Jack, but his body could not lie and could not hold the pain in.  Trying to hold that energy in would be like trying to hold a beach ball under water...it would take a lot of energy to hold it down. 

I have three children and when they were young I read in a parenting book that when young children are in emotional pain they will have 'temper tantrums' because they do not know how to verbalize their pain.  They will fall on the ground, scream, cry and strike out (hit) at others to show their pain.  The children feel totally vulnerable and if someone tries to touch them they will hit, scratch and bite (like Ennis yelling at the passing cowboy).  Ennis was not able to verbalize his pain and he could not hold that pain (energy) in his body.

Loathing and guilt might make a person 'puke' but GRIEF will drive a person to their knees.

[vedrana]

Myprivatejack - Have you or your Alma read the BBM short story?  I can see why your Alma might feel that Ennis was puking out of self-loathing for becoming a 'queer', but in the short story when Ennis and Jack part after their summer on Brokeback, it clearly reads, "Within a mile Ennis felt like someone was pulling his guts out hand over hand a yard at a time.  He stopped at the side of the road and, in the whirling new snow, tried to puke but nothing came up.  He felt about  as bad as he ever had and it took a long time for the feeling to wear off."

Later at their reunion after four years, Ennis tells Jack, "That summer," said Ennis."When we split up after we got paid out I had gut cramps so bad I pulled over and tried to puke, thought I ate somethin bad at that place in Dubois. Took me about a year a figure out it was that I shouldn't a let you out a my sights. Too late then by a long, long while."

Maybe later, when he had time to think about his summer with Jack, Ennis may have felt guilt and/or self-loathing, but at that moment of parting Ennis was in emotional PAIN.  Emotions are ENERGY IN MOTION in the body.  Ennis tried to act stoic and unconcerned  (unaffected) about leaving Jack, but his body could not lie and could not hold the pain in.  Trying to hold that energy in would be like trying to hold a beach ball under water...it would take a lot of energy to hold it down. 

I have three children and when they were young I read in a parenting book that when young children are in emotional pain they will have 'temper tantrums' because they do not know how to verbalize their pain.  They will fall on the ground, scream, cry and strike out (hit) at others to show their pain.  The children feel totally vulnerable and if someone tries to touch them they will hit, scratch and bite (like Ennis yelling at the passing cowboy).  Ennis was not able to verbalize his pain and he could not hold that pain (energy) in his body.

Loathing and guilt might make a person 'puke' but GRIEF will drive a person to their knees.

My thoughts exactly!
In another thread I also said that in SS the reason for his gut cramps were accurately described. No doubt about the reason!

There's another point here - facing Alma after Brokeback and Jack: sure it was difficult, but no SS nor the movie pay any attention to it. Cos the pain for leaving Jack was much deeper and harder for Ennis. After Brokeback - the life he had once known, life he was going back to, seemed like a punishment. And Ennis was aware that his most beautiful times in all his not so fortunate life are over. He grieved deeply and fell on his knees.

IMO there's not a slightest disgust or self loath for having an affair with Jack, just an immense sadness for not having it any more.

[keren_b]

As I've already told in some other threads,yesterday my Alma declared that the reason why Ennis breaks down in the alley is not only,or even not mainly,for having leave Jack.But that the fact he's puking is due to the loathing he feels against himself for having became "a queer"; and that,bearing in mind his attitude in later scenes,this is what guided his behaviour during all his life...That he could feel "something" for Jack,but that this "something" soon turned into a lot of questions to himself about what we was going to do in the "normal" life with or without Jack;because he had been "marked" for the awful level of "fag" and,so,he felt unable to face Alma and a "normal man's life" after that.Because he asked to himself"why this man attracted him so much" and why this had to occur...In sum,that puke was an inner reaction of his loathing against himself,his nonacceptance of his feelings and his deepest way of being.I don't know if this makes sense...

I'm sure your Alma was not the only one who thought that. In fact, I went to see the movie once with a good friend of mine and her boyfriend, and this is what they thought too. For me it was the 5th or the 6th time that I watched the movie, and I've already read the SS by then, so I explained to them the reason behind Ennis's breakdown. But my friend's boyfriend said that he thought Ennis was disgusted by himself and hated himself for what happened, and this is why he nearly puked.

I can see why a person would think that - Ennis was after all a homophobic man who tried to convince himself that he wasn't "queer". As Heath said, "he hated the way he loved". So from the way they parted, after having that fight on the mountain, I can see why some people whould think that. But the SS tells us the real reason for his breakdown - the pain over saying goodbye to Jack, his only chance of happiness. He was not ready to admit to himself that he loved Jack and didn't want to let him go, but his body reacted to what he felt.

[myprivatejack]

Myprivatejack - Have you or your Alma read the BBM short story? 

Oh,my,Jeseanne ¡ I've just explained Alma's opinion about Ennis reaction's reasons;that,if you have read it properly,I have described as"unpleasant".You don't need to convince me;it's been a long time I'm convinced enough... So,please,don't kill the messenger...

My thoughts exactly!
In another thread I also said that in SS the reason for his gut cramps were accurately described. No doubt about the reason!

There's another point here - facing Alma after Brokeback and Jack: sure it was difficult, but no SS nor the movie pay any attention to it. Cos the pain for leaving Jack was much deeper and harder for Ennis. After Brokeback - the life he had once known, life he was going back to, seemed like a punishment. And Ennis was aware that his most beautiful times in all his not so fortunate life are over. He grieved deeply and fell on his knees.

IMO there's not a slightest disgust or self loath for having an affair with Jack, just an immense sadness for not having it any more.

Of course,I agree with that completely,because SS description doesn't give any place for doubt about that.And I agree also with you,Loreen,in that Ennis knew perfectly in this very moment,that his former life before BBM was going to come back again to him,beating him in his deepest self like a boxer push.He supposed these good times weren't going to come back again,and that's the reason he appears fairly more broken down than Jack;who was preparing his baggages to come down from BBM almost with happiness,because he still had the hope they were going to meet each other in "their normal life".Ennis knew they weren't,he denied this,to himself and to Jack,and this part of him who loved BBM time was absolutely devastated.
But-even if it can seem I'm defending Alma's point of view-,you must bear in mind that the movie offered some differences from SS,and this is one of these differences.I mean,IMO,movie's Ennis is far more homophobic and afraid of his feelings than SS Ennis; in the story,he confesses he had these gut cramps because he mustn't let Jack out of his sights,while movie's Ennis was never willing to confess such a thing before his lover.Don't forget that.So,the possibility that in the movie,Ennis was,even a little,disgusting for their relationship,is not so far away from truth.As a matter of fact,he was going to face "normal life",where he had to be a "normal man",and do what "normal men" do,for what he wasn't prepared after his experience;it's as if he thought he was marked with the ominous level of "queer",in the moment when precisely he must be all the contrary,facing Alma and the life she offered to him from this very moment onwards.Why,then,can't his feelings in the alley be a mixture of all this,bearing in mind his homophobia's degree?.I don't know if I have explained myself well enough...But,please,don't attack me ¡.

[myprivatejack]

I'm sure your Alma was not the only one who thought that. In fact, I went to see the movie once with a good friend of mine and her boyfriend, and this is what they thought too. For me it was the 5th or the 6th time that I watched the movie, and I've already read the SS by then, so I explained to them the reason behind Ennis's breakdown. But my friend's boyfriend said that he thought Ennis was disgusted by himself and hated himself for what happened, and this is why he nearly puked.

I can see why a person would think that - Ennis was after all a homophobic man who tried to convince himself that he wasn't "queer". As Heath said, "he hated the way he loved". So from the way they parted, after having that fight on the mountain, I can see why some people would think that. But the SS tells us the real reason for his breakdown - the pain over saying goodbye to Jack, his only chance of happiness. He was not ready to admit to himself that he loved Jack and didn't want to let him go, but his body reacted to what he felt.

Above all,thank you,Karen,for understanding her reasons and respect her opinion,that,for me,it's like respecting me too... Well,I think I have answered in my former post,so I only can add to yours that that's the point;Ennis,we must admit it,sometimes hated himself for feeling the way he did,and,consequently,sometimes even hated Jack himself for making him feeling that way.It's one of the multiple contradictions in Ennis way of being,always marked for his inner fights between his feelings and his wishes to live them fully and the denial of these feelings and HIS WISHES FOR BEING A STRAIGHT MAN.Great struggle and very bad moments to live,poor Ennis,but it's true¡.You speak about this struggle very well: He was not ready to admit to himself that he loved Jack and didn't want to let him go, but his body reacted to what he felt. He had no control about his emotions and reactions,but there was even the littlest part of him that was asking to himself:-"What am I going to do from now onwards?Am I going to be a "normal man" again instead of a "queer"? If I have always refused this,why this must have happenned to me?"...I suppose this is what Alma meant,even if the way she did was a little,let's say,"in a very little Brokie style"...

[vedrana]

Of course,I agree with that completely,because SS description doesn't give any place for doubt about that.And I agree also with you,Loreen,in that Ennis knew perfectly in this very moment,that his former life before BBM was going to come back again to him,beating him in his deepest self like a boxer push.He supposed these good times weren't going to come back again,and that's the reason he appears fairly more broken down than Jack;who was preparing his baggages to come down from BBM almost with happiness,because he still had the hope they were going to meet each other in "their normal life".Ennis knew they weren't,he denied this,to himself and to Jack,and this part of him who loved BBM time was absolutely devastated.
But-even if it can seem I'm defending Alma's point of view-,you must bear in mind that the movie offered some differences from SS,and this is one of these differences.I mean,IMO,movie's Ennis is far more homophobic and afraid of his feelings than SS Ennis; in the story,he confesses he had these gut cramps because he mustn't let Jack out of his sights,while movie's Ennis was never willing to confess such a thing before his lover.Don't forget that.So,the possibility that in the movie,Ennis was,even a little,disgusting for their relationship,is not so far away from truth.As a matter of fact,he was going to face "normal life",where he had to be a "normal man",and do what "normal men" do,for what he wasn't prepared after his experience;it's as if he thought he was marked with the ominous level of "queer",in the moment when precisely he must be all the contrary,facing Alma and the life she offered to him from this very moment onwards.Why,then,can't his feelings in the alley be a mixture of all this,bearing in mind his homophobia's degree?.I don't know if I have explained myself well enough...But,please,don't attack me ¡.

 ^^) I won't attack you!  ^^)

 

Yes, dear! Surely it was a mixture of many emotions as Ennis was far that a simple person. At the same time I believe that the most important thing was - departing from Jack and from Brokeback.

Also, SS and the movie can have some differences, but this would be an unexpected change. Cos that moment of Ennis broken in the alley is very important in SS (and it's prolonged for a long period), and all of the sudden in movie should have a completely different meaning???    I don't think so, but feel free to attack me! 

[tpe]

OT: please no attacking each other here. 

[vedrana]

OT: please no attacking each other here. 

  Repeat that if you dare!  ^^)

[myprivatejack]

OT: please no attacking each other here. 

Nobody is attacking nobody here,Thomas,don't worry;it was just a way of speaking ¡.Even if it would be funnier...

[vedrana]

Nobody is attacking nobody here,Thomas,don't worry;it was just a way of speaking ¡.Even if it would be funnier...

 

 

[myprivatejack]

^^) I won't attack you!  ^^)

 

Yes, dear! Surely it was a mixture of many emotions as Ennis was far that a simple person. At the same time I believe that the most important thing was - departing from Jack and from Brokeback.

Also, SS and the movie can have some differences, but this would be an unexpected change. Cos that moment of Ennis broken in the alley is very important in SS (and it's prolonged for a long period), and all of the sudden in movie should have a completely different meaning???    I don't think so, but feel free to attack me! 

I would never attack you,dear¡  You're right,Ennis was a very complicated person,a contradiction with legs,and what happenned to him in BBM crashed frontally with his personal rules and education,that's not to forget...
What I don't agree with so much is in what you say:-... that moment of Ennis broken in the alley is very important in SS (and it's prolonged for a long period), and all of the sudden in movie should have a completely different meaning??? .Oh,no,I'm not saying that exactly,I wasn't explain myself well enough¡.What I meant is that Ennis in the SS was more willing to confess his feelings to Jack,meanwhile in the movie he is more closed in himself,and more afraid of his feelings,more homophobic,as I said formerly.Of course,he breaks down in the alley for the same reasons that in SS,but it's more than probable that the crash against what had happenned in his life in BBM and what was going to happen in his life from that moment onwards,has something to do with this break down.It's not a completely different meaning,but a slight shade;I think that what Alma tried to mean in her non Brokie style...

[vedrana]

I would never attack you,dear¡  You're right,Ennis was a very complicated person,a contradiction with legs,and what happenned to him in BBM crashed frontally with his personal rules and education,that's not to forget...
What I don't agree with so much is in what you say:-... that moment of Ennis broken in the alley is very important in SS (and it's prolonged for a long period), and all of the sudden in movie should have a completely different meaning??? .Oh,no,I'm not saying that exactly,I wasn't explain myself well enough¡.What I meant is that Ennis in the SS was more willing to confess his feelings to Jack,meanwhile in the movie he is more closed in himself,and more afraid of his feelings,more homophobic,as I said formerly.Of course,he breaks down in the alley for the same reasons that in SS,but it's more than probable that the crash against what had happenned in his life in BBM and what was going to happen in his life from that moment onwards,has something to do with this break down.It's not a completely different meaning,but a slight shade;I think that what Alma tried to mean in her non Brokie style...

You wouldn't??   

Pity!  

I know what you mean. It is a shade, and yes, I admit that the alley scene IS a mixture of feelings, with one which was the most important. Sure, your Alma is not so familiar with everything and explained it in a way that maybe some people would do.

When I was watching the movie for the first time, I immediately figured out why he's "vomiting" in the alley. Even I started to watch the movie half an hour after the beginning, and the movie had no impact on me whatsoever then. So, at that time I wasn't Brokie... well I wasn't even B of a Brokie. I didn't read the SS, and had no love for Ennis or Jack, or for their love. Still, in my mind I knew why he was so broken in the alley. So, maybe it's just that we all see the things in different way. 

[tpe]

If I recall the reaction of some people, some were confused about why he was going through this in that scene -- was he sickened by the way he felt for Jack or was he sickened by trying to suppress the way he felt for Jack?

Possibly both...

[myprivatejack]

If I recall the reaction of some people, some were confused about why he was going through this in that scene -- was he sickened by the way he felt for Jack or was he sickened by trying to suppress the way he felt for Jack?

Possibly both...

I think both,and also for having "fallen" in what he had been told it was so bad since he was 9.I also think it was a mixture of feelings,but what predominated the most was having to separate himself from the only person-besides his mother-who had given him some love,friendship,affection and real company,not only the gay sex he was so much afraid of.

[vedrana]

I think both,and also for having "fallen" in what he had been told it was so bad since he was 9.I also think it was a mixture of feelings,but what predominated the most was having to separate himself from the only person-besides his mother-who had given him some love,friendship,affection and real company,not only the gay sex he was so much afraid of.

Yes! That's it!

I always say that their misfortune childhood had a huge influence on them yearning and hunger each other. They needed pure love, like a boy needs his mother, and they gave each other that love. The physical part came with it, in fact it was more emphasized cos of that love.

[nagsheadsea412]

My friend's mother had the dry heaves in the hospital after her husband died..nothing would come up.....Ennis physically wilted...mind utterly parched...drained...emotions stifled except anger of the passing stranger...almost felt like he was no longer in existence...

[tpe]

I think both,and also for having "fallen" in what he had been told it was so bad since he was 9.I also think it was a mixture of feelings,but what predominated the most was having to separate himself from the only person-besides his mother-who had given him some love,friendship,affection and real company,not only the gay sex he was so much afraid of.

Yes! That's it!

I always say that their misfortune childhood had a huge influence on them yearning and hunger each other. They needed pure love, like a boy needs his mother, and they gave each other that love. The physical part came with it, in fact it was more emphasized cos of that love.

Exactly.  I think it was the conflicting feelings that tore him apart.  I am sure that even as he was saying goodbye to a reluctant Jack, he was torn between what he wanted to do (continue to be with Jack) and what he felt he had to do (end the entire thing.)

[tpe]

My friend's mother had the dry heaves in the hospital after her husband died..nothing would come up.....Ennis physically wilted...mind utterly parched...drained...emotions stifled except anger of the passing stranger...almost felt like he was no longer in existence...

"Parched" is a good descriptive word for what must have been Ennis's state deep inside.  We get the feeling that he is at that moment a person desperate in wanting something but resolute in the belief that there is nothing to be had.

[myprivatejack]

Exactly.  I think it was the conflicting feelings that tore him apart.  I am sure that even as he was saying goodbye to a reluctant Jack, he was torn between what he wanted to do (continue to be with Jack) and what he felt he had to do (end the entire thing.)

I'm almost completely sure about this.It was a mixture of contradictory feelings that made an explosion inside him.