I can't believe we're talking about his funeral here. I can't believe I'm reading these words, about burying Heath. These words, "A large pine crate containing Ledger's body", are too difficult to bare. How can Heath lie still in some box, when he couldn't sit in an interview quietly for a minute without fidgeting?! How can we put him in the ground?? I can't believe this is happening, I really can't... and now I'm crying again. :\'( :\'( :\'(
Keren, sweetie, I can't believe it neither..... :\'( :\'( :\'(
When I saw yesterday the vid of that pine crate I thought I was going to die of sadness right there. I was crying so bad and then I heard that laughter......and I was so terribly broken and sad, but also so angry, mad and stunned. That was, is, the most painful thing I've ever saw in my life. I had to swich off my laptop and go to bed, crying and wishing with all my strenght that this nightmare wasn't real. I was hidden under the blankets crying for 4 hours and finally my mother came to me all worried, wanting to know why I was like a ghost since wednesday.
Six hours before I’ve been talking with a friend by phone. On Thursday I told her a lot of beautiful things about our baby, ‘cause I needed everybody to know how wonderful and fine man Heath was. So yesterday she called me to talk about him. She said to me that she has crying so bad thinking of him, and that was my fault, ‘cause I made her think about him in a different way. She liked him so much, but since she saw me crying, she feels that Heath must be a very more wonderful person that she ever thought.
Today I woke up so sick. I was dizzy ‘cause since Wednesday I can only eat yoghurt, nuts, some bread and coke. It’s incredible how when I’m sad my body remember perfectly how to be an anorexic. I can’t listen to music, to watch TV, to go out with my friends. And I need again Orfidal (lorazepam) to sleep. I’m so scared ‘cause I had a deep depression for two years no long time ago, and I a very emotional person, so now I’m so afraid of having a new depression ‘cause of this tragedy. I don’t want to go through that hell again; I don’t want to have a depression; that was the most horrible thing of the world. So today I’ve decided to eat well and spend time with my parents. But not everything is how you want it, and world these days seems to conspire against me, ‘cause I was eating with my mother and she wanted to watch news, and then between TV spots they played the The Dark Knight trailer. I was stunned, shocked, with my face pale and tears running. I felt even sadder than ever. He didn’t look like Heath, even his voice was so weird. I couldn’t see his sweet face under that horrible make up. I hated that disgusting evil Joker laughter. That man seemed to me so dark, so complicated, so wicked and still so sad and lonely. They didn’t put Heath name there; only “summer 2008” while I was listening to that sinister laughter again. I wanted last Heath character to be special, and Joker without doubt is, but I mean, a character more beautiful, full of love and light, who make me smile thinking of Heath when I see him. So that trailer, the Joker, that confused soul, made me feel cold inside, and, after that, I couldn’t eat no more and I started to cry. It’s difficult for me see Heath as the Joker; it’s really impossible for me to find that tender man under the Joker skin. I’ve read in somewhere that the strain of playing the Joker in the new Batman film may have proved too much for Heath – in a recent interview he told how the role of a “murderous psychopath” had left him “sleepless and exhausted” and he was only sleeping around two hours a night. I felt so bad thinking about that, watching that mad eyes, that disfigured face, listening to that broken voice, so I buried my face in my hands wondering where my Heath was, why I didn’t understand why he wanted to be part of that dark universe, why the death always had to win the battle in this world.
My mother saw me cry and she, so sweet, changed the channel. But, OMG, there was a Ned Nelly trailer ‘cause that channel is planning to show that film in two days. So I was there again, blaming myself for sit there trying to have a normal life while I was dying inside.
So now, I’m here, acting like I use to, being a total fool, looking for some little moment of happiness, needing to know once again that I’m not alone in this.
