There have been so many thoughts running through my head and I don’t know if my mind stopped going long enough to capture them all. I guess I'm having one of those clarity type moments- I hate this ping ponging back and forth between being "okay" and destroyed. This will probably be yet another inane ramble as I try to figure it all out. I was thinking back to my first BBM viewing- 1/20/06. That viewing was all Ennis- I had him on my mind 24/7 and wept for him and all that was lost. The second viewing was all Jack and all subsequent ones belonged to both of them. Anyway, two years later and that numb, raw, stunned feeling came back but much worse.
I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel but I’m not even sure if I've arrived at the tunnel. I know deep down inside he'd want us to move on and not be sad. It seems brazen I guess to assert that kind of authority over his thoughts, but I know I wouldn’t want anyone who cared for me to be so sad. He didn't give this to us for us to let go of. I keep thinking that out of the sadness from BBM so much good came from it in the form of family and friends found here. There's a part of me that is "scared" to go back to normal because what is normal now? Whatever comes next will have an undercurrent of sadness to it; maybe not right at the surface but it will be there. I/we just have to find our way to some form of acceptance and keep him in that safe place in our hearts so we'll never forget him or truly lose him.
All of this here is a gift. It is one of his legacies. All of us being friends and sharing the way we do is such a tribute to him and it makes me feel good that I was a part of that while he was still alive and will continue to be a part of it in his memory. I believe in my heart that he is looking down upon us smiling at all that he accomplished without ever meaning to.
To borrow from “Latter Days”: Sometimes it all still feels like a mass of dots. But more and more these days, I feel like we're all connected. And it's beautiful... and funny... and good I don't know the "good reason" Heath was taken from us. I suppose in the grand scheme of things there is one- not that it'd bring an ounce of comfort if I did know. I’m trying to shift my focus more on the fact that while he was here he gave us all of this and we accepted his gift. I know we have lived it with grace and appreciation and will do it even more so. He lived long enough and made the choice to take on Ennis and in turn, all of those dots (us) connected.
There was some open space between what he knew and what he tried to believe, but nothing could be done about it, and if you can’t fix it you’ve got to stand it. I know there's no way to fix it and trying to stand it has been proving almost impossible. I don't think I will ever truly accept that “our boy” is gone. But I think I need to start accepting "the rest". I’ve read references to the two shirts, the postcard and feeling how Ennis felt when he received it and I echo and understand those sentiments completely. Is moving forward from this our version of the two shirts? Or were they something we had all along? I think that we are down now; still on the ground not quite sure how to get up. But when we do, we will cling harder to this movie because of what it means, what it gave us. This movie is our two shirts in a sense- all we have left and even though we may look at it alone in the quiet it makes us feel closer. Right? Something unexpected, sad, yet comforting. I’m not sure But what I do know is that they stand for so many things: loss, regret but most of all love. And even though that person is no longer there to fill that shirt it doesn't negate his existence or all that came before. They aren't hanging there empty; they have a story to tell. And where Brokeback ended we began and there is so much left to be said.
I keep thinking about how fleeting it all really is. You can stop and admire a beautiful flower: enjoy its scent, admire its beautiful colors but you leave it where it is- its beauty is not meant for the enjoyment of one but rather for all who stop and take the time to truly look at it. But it won’t always be there; it doesn’t last, nor is it meant to. Eventually its petals will be scattered to the winds. But the beauty it gave and the memory of it are something that can never be lost.
Now I’m going to borrow from LOTR- The Two Towers:
Sam: (crying) I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here, but we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were, and sometimes you didn’t want to know the end, because how could the end be happy. How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad happened?
Sam: (voiceover) But in the end, it’s only a passing thing. This shadow, even darkness must pass.
Sam: A new day will come, and when the sun shines it’ll shine out the clearer. Those are the stories that stayed with you, that meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now, folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t. They kept going, because they were holding onto something.
I think we will one day find solace in this film again and see it as visiting with some old, very good, very special friends. And we’ll return as close as we can to "normal" to laugh and play again in those mountain fields, splash in the stream, drink and laugh by the fire. Because all of that is so worth holding onto.
