Having an awful day for some reason. Heath seems to be everywhere here. I actually got to go to Vegas and be with the Brokies for a while. It was nice immediately because I realized that these gatherings were about Ennis and Jack, and our love for this film; and not so much about Heath and Jake. The only time Heath truly was an acknowledged part of it was when we were having the memorial that you all have seen photos from. We placed items and each our own rock within the small space and hugged and cried, and really that was the main time Heath was truly there. Otherwise it was talk of "Ennis". We weren't ignoring, just reminiscing in a positive way. But now, it's back home to reality, and back to missing Heath, and everything he gave...and it's awful. I know we didn't really know him, but the idea of him somehow filled a void in all of us, and while he's gone, that stupid void is still hanging around waiting to be filled; and the guilt that something has to fill it is almost unbearable. How do you replace someone that is so important to you? I keep trying to tell myself that there is nothing to replace; that what Heath gave us, he left on film for us to have forever, and there isn't really a point in mourning because I haven' t really lost anything I ever truly had; but that doesn't help, or make me feel any better. My computer had been broken since early January, I just got it back yesterday, and when I signed on to my internet through my main account it showed the previous sites I had gone on(before any of this happened). It was so strange to go back to a time when he was alive and see how much he was a part of my day. Though of course there were many sites and my work done on the computer, after every couple of sites was a site that somehow involved him, it was just the natural part of my day...I'm not sure where to go from here, it hurts to be so sad, but feels so guilty when I'm happy; but I'm going to choose to be happy; it's what Heath wanted for himself, I can only imagine that's why he was on so many meds...to find some sort of peace in the chaos of reality. I'm striving to achieve that peace without the prescribed help; for now you Brokies are my addiction, and I love you all 
I know exactly how you feel, and I can hardly take it anymore. I cry every single day. All I have to do is think of his name, and I fall apart. I have gotten way too involved on myspace with all of the Heath people. I'm pretty much the most active person on there as far as adding photos, providing links to new interviews, posting news before most people receive it for some reason, and I created a 20-question Heath survey, the results of which I just posted today. I know that I need to leave there, but whenever I mention it, people on my friends list with whom I've never exchanged a word, practically beg me to stay and tell me how much they appreciate everything I do. So, I feel really good helping people, which also makes me cry, but the satisfaction of doing that is not quite as much as the pain it's causing me.
I spend my days torturing myself by finding and adding new photos to my albums to share with everybody, and at the same time just staring at the photos and completely falling apart.
I don't want to isolate, but I can't deal with all the exposure either. I don't know what to do. I'm sick of missing this man so much. I was totally in love with him before his death, and I too feel like I've lost the most important person in my life. I feel like I'm mentally disturbed and should be put away. But then I read posts like this one that remind me I'm not alone.
I'm sick of crying everyday. I'm sick of grieving. I've made no progress since his death. I'm miserable and often think of putting myself out of my misery with the temptation of all the pills that Heath took sitting right in my nightstand. I know I wrote about this before, but the pain is unbearable. He is the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing when I go to sleep.
I've been trying to watch my favorite political comedy shows before bed, and that does help. I just need to withdraw from this horrible addiction.
Thanks for reading this. I needed to put my feelings in writing, even if it's just for me.
You guys are all great, and believe me, for all of those who grieve for Heath, I feel your pain and I hate to think of any of the wonderful people on here feeling as horrible as I do.
Take care. :\'(
