I hate thinking about this and bringing it up, but the fact that Heath said he felt "good about dying" didn't make him sound like he was still wanting to live life to the fullest. I was shocked to hear a 28-year-old man, loved by everybody, with a career taking off like crazy, and most importantly with a child. He was very clear about having mixed feelings about living or dying, and that last interviewing was so haunting and I think foreshadowing. I don't think for a moment that he tried to kill himself; don't get me wrong. I 100% believe that he had an addiction to prescription drugs (I've had that myself), and he accidentally overdosed. In a way, knowing that he felt good about dying was somewhat comforting, but at the same time, that is something only a depressed, lonely person would say, and that makes me feel SO SAD for him. I know how that feels, and I'm sure I'm not alone here.
I always feel good about dying and most of the time hope that I don't wake up in the morning. I doubt very much that Heath felt that way; I think he was just going through a stressful, sad time in his life.
I wish whomever was doing that particular interview had asked him what he meant by feeling good about dying, and why he would think about such a thing. But they didn't.
It's because of Heath that I didn't kill myself last year. I won't bother going into that whole story and sound like a real nut job, but enjoying him was all I had left, and now all I can do is cherish every interview and incredibly funny, unprepared award show speech that he gave, which are on my site to help keep him alive. Heck, there are 30 of them, and actually you all would probably absolutely cherish each and every one like I do!
He was so politically incorrect, said exactly what was on his mind without thinking about what anybody in a crowded room thought, and was so damn funny, down-to-earth, practiced what he preached, cared about all living things, and there will never be anybody else like him.
I almost feel mad that he left us. So many people are now deprived of his mere presence on this earth. If he knew how loved he was and how thousands of strangers were crying over him, he would be totally baffled. To him, he was just any everyday Joe, with no ego whatsoever. He would think we're all nuts!
Anyway, I guess I just needed to ramble. I need to get a life, and get off of myspace. I'm moving to Australia in two months, and I need to start preparing. Hard to do when you can't get out of bed all day!
Thanks for reading this, if you made it through. And i thank you all so very much for your support. I wish I knew what it would take for me to stop feeling totally alone. I guess I better up the anti-depressants. 
I didn't take Heath's comment in that interview as meaning he felt "good about dying." (What were his exact words, that he "would feel okay about dying"?) Nor do I find it odd for a young man to say that, not at all. To me, it was a deep sense that he was expressing, that once you have a child, your life can continue without you, so to speak. He meant it in a poetic sense more than reality, I believe. I don't think it had anything to do with being depressed. It had to do with feeling complete. It's like that Bob Dylan song that Joan Baez sang. In the song, she was so exquisitely happy, life was so complete right then, that "speaking strictly for me, we both could have died then and there." I felt that way out in the desert at our gathering, actually. Life can be so beautiful and perfect in the moment, that no more is needed. It is just a moment of fulfillment.
I don't actually feel he was addicted to the prescription drugs, either. He used them, yes, and he messed up with his combinations, but I don't think he was addicted. And I just don't see him as depressed. I do see that he suffered from anxiety, though -- the non-stop mind, the not sleeping, the artistic perfectionism.
Anyway, Heath's saying that, about death, only seems prophetic now. We didn't pay it a huge amount of attention before. But it's one of those things that seems prophetic in retrospect, is all.
Of course we all relate to him from our own perspectives, but that is my understanding...
I would like to think that perhaps that could help you -- maybe he was not feeling the ways that you are so familiar with, and then you can feel not so sad about his state of mind. Then...maybe we can help YOU feel better.
kathy
