Topic: Heath Ledger - In Loving Memory

[ksxks]

Same here, Emzan.  Same here.   

The other day the sadness struck me all of a sudden at work, and I had to take a little break for a moment, during which I made this picture.  I ended up kinda liking it:



I hope our angel has found peace and joy.

Gorgeous, gorgeous, Laura...      :\'(

kathy

[ksxks]

I dreamed last night:  I was in a cool small local grocery story in Brooklyn (about the size of Monroe's store).  I saw Matilda buzzing around having fun and being more cute than the law allows.  I thought, cool, this is a very safe place, where she's free to roam around and  can't be hurt.  Then I saw Michelle, doing her shopping.  I kind of maneuvered myself near her, just another shopper.  I said hi, started to talk to her, and she said, "write to my agent if you want..." [I guess like "if you want an autographed picture" or whatever].  I said, oh I don't want anything, I just wanted to say how much I like and love and respect you and your work, and of course I want to say how sorry and sad I am about Heath.  So we started talking -- it was very beautiful, and some tears and hugs.  We talked about Brokeback Mountain, also.  Then Matilda came back.  Such a darling funny girl, I can hardly stand it.  Michelle talked about her; I played with her.  Then, Matilda did one of her "tricks."  She turned into a rabbit!  A little small one on the floor.  Then she popped back up into her little three-year-old girl self again.

What I thought at the time in the dream and when I just woke up, was reincarnation.  Whether we believe in that literally or not, there was Matilda, who is a reincarnation of Heath if we want to call it that; and the rabbit, I felt like was Heath also.  We can see him in Matilda, and we can see him anywhere we look, at the animals and the trees and the sky and the stars...

kathy

[lancecowboy]

  Kathy  Thank you so much for sharing your wonderful dream. I love the feeling of safety and friendship and simply plain fun! I am so happy for you and wish so much that I can dream like that one day. I am slowly recovering my vivid dreams, so I have no doubt it will happen one day. Meanwhile, it is very special to share yours. I love the symbolism of Matilda turning into a rabbit and back again. It reminds me of what Michelle said, in January, how much Matilda is like Heath, her gentleness, and her hugging trees and whispering to animals. I have no doubt Heath lives on in a major part of her.
   

[LauraLovesLedger]

I do too Laura.


That's a beautiful picture. Would you mind if I saved it to my file?


It is still so nice to have this place to come to and see all of the genuine affection, both for Heath and for each other, expressed here.

Thanks, hon.    And of course I don't mind, the two pics I simply merged together by no means belong to me exclusively.  Or even at all, in fact! 

[LauraLovesLedger]

Kathy, thanks for sharing such a beautiful dream with us.   

What you said about seeing Heath in his daughter, the animals, trees, sky and stars...it strikes such a chord.  I really do think it's true, not just of Heath, but of all departed loved ones, too.   

[keren_b]

Kathy  Thank you so much for sharing your wonderful dream. I love the feeling of safety and friendship and simply plain fun! I am so happy for you and wish so much that I can dream like that one day. I am slowly recovering my vivid dreams, so I have no doubt it will happen one day. Meanwhile, it is very special to share yours. I love the symbolism of Matilda turning into a rabbit and back again. It reminds me of what Michelle said, in January, how much Matilda is like Heath, her gentleness, and her hugging trees and whispering to animals. I have no doubt Heath lives on in a major part of her.
   

I think about that every time I come across a picture of her. These words are burned in my memory. I don't know whether to be greatful or not that she looks so much like him, I just know it breaks my heart to look at her and see him there. I'm sure it happens to Michelle all the time, I don't know if it brings comfort or just more pain.

[vedrana]

I think about that every time I come across a picture of her. These words are burned in my memory. I don't know whether to be greatful or not that she looks so much like him, I just know it breaks my heart to look at her and see him there. I'm sure it happens to Michelle all the time, I don't know if it brings comfort or just more pain.

Keren,

I understand that and I feel the same!  :\'( Her words were so touching, that I could physically feel her pain.  :\'( And then I remember Heath's photos holding his lovely daughter, looking so content and happy... :\'( :\'( :\'(

[lancecowboy]

I think about that every time I come across a picture of her. These words are burned in my memory. I don't know whether to be greatful or not that she looks so much like him, I just know it breaks my heart to look at her and see him there. I'm sure it happens to Michelle all the time, I don't know if it brings comfort or just more pain.

I have no doubt that Michelle is comforted when she is with Matilda, and sees in her mannerisms that reminds her of Heath. The pain of loss will eventually be soothed by the joy of daily living, especially with someone as special and joyful as Matilda. If anything is true, it must be her ability to bring smiles and joy into the life of those around her, just like Heath.
 

[keren_b]

Loreen, Andrew  You're probably right Andrew, she must be like him in so many ways and it should be a comfort... it's just that I miss him so damn much that every little thing sets me off. The closer we come to that cursed day in January, the worse it gets.

ETA: Another thing I've been thinking about is that I'll probably never be able to celebrate my birthday without thinking about Heath. My birthday is January 9th, and last year my friends the Shady Ladies made me a birthday card with Heath's pic in it, and a gorgeous Heath calendar with different Heath pic for every month, because they know I love him so much. They put so much love and effort into it and it made me so happy and moved to get it on my birthday... and 13 days after that Heath died. Now that my birthday is approaching again all I can think of is that birthday present, and how the world turned upside down after that.

[lancecowboy]

  Keren  there ain't no reins on this one. We miss and ache for his presence because we love him. I don't want to stopping missing him, but I give myself permission to see the life that is still around me, like Ennis did after Jack, seeing the love still in Jack's Ma, the joy in Junior's wedding, etc. We do Heath a disservice if we stop living life to the fullest, because that's what he did, and would want from everyone who knew him.
 

By the way, I stop thinking about days a while ago. It's like holidays (Christmas, etc). It's just another number on the calender. I celebrate only the sentiments, the meaning of the holiday, especially Thanksgiving. And honestly, I stopped celebrating birthdays after I turned 21. I tried to forget about birthdays after I turned 39. That was like, hmmm... too long ago.    I hope you feel better during the holidays. Happy Hannakah.   

[FlwrChild]

  Keren. I understand.

[babytammy7]

My dear friend Steffi, aka Cornflakes, went to NY when she learned that Heath had died. She lives in Germany and she went all the way to NY just to be some hours in front of Heath’s house. She got a plane, cried in front of the tributes to Heath and then returned to Germany. She only spent there a day. Her love for Heath is endless and beyond any limit, as you can see.

Sometime after that she felt the huge need to go and see Heath’s homeland. That way maybe she could feel closer to Heath. She went to Australia in April this year. She took this pic in Cottesloe, Perth April 4th 2008. I think it’s beautiful and made me cry when I saw it first time. Heath loved the ocean...and I almost can see him there, surfing the waves.

[chameau]

(((cornflake)))  :\'( :\'( :\'(

[LauraLovesLedger]

((((((Tammy, Steffi)))))) ...that is absolutely beautiful and so heartbreaking...though in a beautiful, bittersweet way.  It is exquisite - the beautiful colours, the time of day, the significance of Cottlesloe Beach and there in the foreground...Heath's name so beautiful in the sand. 

 

[LauraLovesLedger]

Loreen, Andrew  You're probably right Andrew, she must be like him in so many ways and it should be a comfort... it's just that I miss him so damn much that every little thing sets me off. The closer we come to that cursed day in January, the worse it gets.

ETA: Another thing I've been thinking about is that I'll probably never be able to celebrate my birthday without thinking about Heath. My birthday is January 9th, and last year my friends the Shady Ladies made me a birthday card with Heath's pic in it, and a gorgeous Heath calendar with different Heath pic for every month, because they know I love him so much. They put so much love and effort into it and it made me so happy and moved to get it on my birthday... and 13 days after that Heath died. Now that my birthday is approaching again all I can think of is that birthday present, and how the world turned upside down after that.

(((((Keren))))    Here's a big hug for you, honey. 

You in particular have obviously been as hardly hit by the loss of Heath as I have been, and I want you to know that your sharing your grief with us has brought me considerable comfort - the knowledge that I'm not alone in such an intense grief.  That the sadness is shared somehow diminishes my own sorrow slightly. 

I'm particularly upset about it all today, because I mentioned to a couple of my closest friends, friends since childhood, that come Jan 22 I'm going to get a tiny tattoo on my left inner-wrist, a small purple flower that will symbolize Heath to me (the flower being from the heather plant, his namesake)...and my friends, though not being insensitive per se, looked at me kinda odd and told me I'd probably regret it later when this "phase" has passed.  I was incredulous and like, "Whaa?  A phase?!  I don't THINK so!" but only thinking it in my head.  I didn't even bother trying to explain how wrong they were. 

Thank you all again for your complete empathy, warmth and understanding.    For the support that even my dearest friends and family in "real life" cannot offer.

[LauraLovesLedger]

Keren  there ain't no reins on this one. We miss and ache for his presence because we love him. I don't want to stopping missing him, but I give myself permission to see the life that is still around me, like Ennis did after Jack, seeing the love still in Jack's Ma, the joy in Junior's wedding, etc. We do Heath a disservice if we stop living life to the fullest, because that's what he did, and would want from everyone who knew him.
 

By the way, I stop thinking about days a while ago. It's like holidays (Christmas, etc). It's just another number on the calender. I celebrate only the sentiments, the meaning of the holiday, especially Thanksgiving. And honestly, I stopped celebrating birthdays after I turned 21. I tried to forget about birthdays after I turned 39. That was like, hmmm... too long ago.    I hope you feel better during the holidays. Happy Hannakah.   

((((Andrew))))    As wisely and beautifully said as always.  You are so correct in saying that allowing the grief to hinder our lives is doing Heath a disservice.  That's exactly what I think, too, and like you, I haven't let it be an encumbrance to living life as fully as I always have...but the grief still lurks beneath it all anyway, and always will in one form or other. 

In time, as with all grief, it will surely morph into a much more joyful thing that will allow us to remember him, watch his movies, and view precious pictures with a grateful and far happier heart.

But in the meantime, I am sure glad for you Brokies. 

[lancecowboy]

((((Andrew))))    As wisely and beautifully said as always.  You are so correct in saying that allowing the grief to hinder our lives is doing Heath a disservice.  That's exactly what I think, too, and like you, I haven't let it be an encumbrance to living life as fully as I always have...but the grief still lurks beneath it all anyway, and always will in one form or other. 

In time, as with all grief, it will surely morph into a much more joyful thing that will allow us to remember him, watch his movies, and view precious pictures with a grateful and far happier heart.

But in the meantime, I am sure glad for you Brokies. 

Thanks, Laura, always, for your kind words. It's really unusual for me to feel tearful even now, thinking of Heath. I mean even for my friend, I did not grieve so deeply for so long. Perhaps I was also burying the grief back then, and did not know how to express it. Like Ennis, the grief was turned into anger, but mine was turned inward, and resulted in a deep depression. Now, my heart has been opened by Brokeback Mountain, and this forum, so my emotions are more readily surfaced. It's healthier than what happened twenty eight years ago. I can manage it better.

I hope you are right that in time, the grief will morph into a much more joyful thing. For now, it has given me strength and impetus to do something. I have not been materialistic since that fateful day long ago. To me, material things fade by comparison to the eternal, the ephemeral. But now, I understand the need for material things to do what I really want to do, to visit all the brokie meets, and most of all, to visit Perth, and all the places that Heath had been. Also, I have other plans which require material things. So, in a sense, the grief has already begun its transformation in me. I hope for the better. I think it is. Time will tell.

As you said, meanwhile, I am grateful to be here, to share with friends who understand. 

[Candy]

i can't believe that this is going to be the first christmas 4 matilda without her daddy...and my first christmas without knowing where Heath it's going to spend his christmas and with who? :\'( i don't know where he is right know!i know where his body is but he as the human i donno....

[keren_b]

A poster on the street in L.A.

[keren_b]

My dear friend Steffi, aka Cornflakes, went to NY when she learned that Heath had died. She lives in Germany and she went all the way to NY just to be some hours in front of Heath’s house. She got a plane, cried in front of the tributes to Heath and then returned to Germany. She only spent there a day. Her love for Heath is endless and beyond any limit, as you can see.

Sometime after that she felt the huge need to go and see Heath’s homeland. That way maybe she could feel closer to Heath. She went to Australia in April this year. She took this pic in Cottesloe, Perth April 4th 2008. I think it’s beautiful and made me cry when I saw it first time. Heath loved the ocean...and I almost can see him there, surfing the waves.

This is beautiful... and it was one of Heath's favorite places  :\'(

(((((((Steffi)))))))

[Candy]

wow that is a wonderful pic:X:X:X:X

[christie wood]

A poster on the street in L.A.

awww.....thats really wonderful.

[ksxks]

I have no doubt that Michelle is comforted when she is with Matilda, and sees in her mannerisms that reminds her of Heath. The pain of loss will eventually be soothed by the joy of daily living, especially with someone as special and joyful as Matilda. If anything is true, it must be her ability to bring smiles and joy into the life of those around her, just like Heath.
 

This is so beautiful!  To think she would have the same qualities as Heath -- loving people, being real.   

kathy

[LauraLovesLedger]

Stayed in this Saturday night to watch the AFI awards and just saw Heath's mother, father and sister accept his AFI on his behalf.

I'm in tears...   :\'( :\'( :\'(

[keren_b]

(((((((((Laura)))))))))))

This awards season is gonna be tough. I'm so proud of him and so heartbroken at the same time.

[smartestsonia]

My dear friend Steffi, aka Cornflakes, went to NY when she learned that Heath had died. She lives in Germany and she went all the way to NY just to be some hours in front of Heath’s house. She got a plane, cried in front of the tributes to Heath and then returned to Germany. She only spent there a day. Her love for Heath is endless and beyond any limit, as you can see.

Sometime after that she felt the huge need to go and see Heath’s homeland. That way maybe she could feel closer to Heath. She went to Australia in April this year. She took this pic in Cottesloe, Perth April 4th 2008. I think it’s beautiful and made me cry when I saw it first time. Heath loved the ocean...and I almost can see him there, surfing the waves.

Tammy  Thankyou so much for sharing this with us..Please tell Steffi that we r with her..We know what she has gone through...This picture is beautful and am sure than in Australia she felt closer to Heath...Its pains so much dear..I can't believe sometimes that he is gone..it hurts..We miss him so very much 

[Hayley]

DHW    It's always difficult to understand a young and talented person's death.Mainly when we feel this person as something ours somehow.I think it will take a long time until we realise he's in another world now. :\'(

I agree completely. It just feels like he's gone away. His absence would of course be much more noticeable if he was a friend, but as people who only admired and respected him from a distance, it kind of feels like he's (& I apologise if I've said this before on here) an old friend who's just gone a way for a while and we have no idea when we'll see him again. We have the old movies and we can pop them in and think back on old times but we're waiting on some new memories. Sadly, until we get to the next world, we won't have any, and thats hard to comprehend. There's just too many if only's of what could and should have been

It's even harder at times like now, when Heath is everywhere with the release of The Dark Knight, so while I haven't posted here for a little while, I just wanted to check in and see how everyone's doing right now.

And to Heath, where ever you are - take it easy - you're still very much missed.

[smartestsonia]

I agree completely. It just feels like he's gone away. His absence would of course be much more noticeable if he was a friend, but as people who only admired and respected him from a distance, it kind of feels like he's (& I apologise if I've said this before on here) an old friend who's just gone a way for a while and we have no idea when we'll see him again. We have the old movies and we can pop them in and think back on old times but we're waiting on some new memories. Sadly, until we get to the next world, we won't have any, and thats hard to comprehend. There's just too many if only's of what could and should have been

It's even harder at times like now, when Heath is everywhere with the release of The Dark Knight, so while I haven't posted here for a little while, I just wanted to check in and see how everyone's doing right now.

And to Heath, where ever you are - take it easy - you're still very much missed.

Am touched reading your post ..I feel the same..Infact 2 days back I watched "Candy" for the first time and I watched it mainly as I wanted to see more of Heath....Whichever film he has acted in I want to see it as I feel more close to him ..When I watch his films I cant believe that he is gone..I just can't...I feel that he is right in front of me...even when I watched "Two hands" I could not believe that he is gone..I think Heath was 19 or 20 when it was filmed..i loved him in "Two hands"...He was so innocent and adorable ya..

I have not yet watched "the Dark Knight" and when I will watch it I will be gald to see his brilliant performance but it will hurt me to see that it is the last of him...He will be alive in our hearts forever and his movies r masterpieces but we do feel empty now and there is a gap in our hearts which will be filled as u said when we go into the other world...

[myprivatejack]

 
 Time does not bring relief

Time does not bring relief; you all have lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,
And last year's leaves are smoke in every lane;
But last year's bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide.
There are a hundred places where I fear
To go - so with his memory they brim.
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, 'There is no memory of him here!'
And so stand stricken, so remembering him.


Edna St Vincent Millay (1892 -1950)



 

[keren_b]

Eleven months have passed and it still seems like yesterday to me. it doesn't get any easier. :\'(