Thank you so much with my whole heart Ethan and Michelle. You’re so brave. I wish I were there with you, I really need it. Brokies owe you a lot. My thoughts will be there with both of you. Love you.
Now I’m so tired….I only want to stay in bed and try to forget for a minute that my sweet eyes baby is gone….
I feel like a train had passed over me so I don’ want to think how Michelle, Jake and Heath’s parents and sisters must be feeling right now. What a terrible nightmare this is!!!
I needed so much to read fics about Ennis and Jack; I loved to watch Jake and Heath pics and to say silly crazy things about them; I adored make jokes about sexy fantasies with Heath and Jake or Ennis and Jack with my Spanish Brokies friends; I liked to save in my laptop beautiful nature pics of Enzo (Mars) and comment almost all of them; I wanted the whole time to read everyone’s post in all the Characters, Quotes and Scenes threads. And now I don’t want to do any of that, I CAN’T, and I don’t know when I’m going to be able to do some of that again, ‘cause the most sad days in my life have cut my wings, my ability to dream, leaving me so empty and shattered, a tiny shadow of the happy girl I tried to be.
I used to live as if I were to live forever, not worrying much about things unresolved and words unspoken, ‘cause there will be “enough time”. My mother always said to me that I have to think that nothing is forever, but sometimes that was so difficult for a free and dreamer spirit like I was. But, ah, how life can change in only a minute, which takes the body of a fine man in stop breathing. And maybe you never will be the same again.
On Monday my work became a hell; I found out that my boss and some co- workers were a liars, very bad people, telling bad things about me when I loved them. So I thought I was going to have to quit my job. On Tuesday my best brokie friend and I had a bitter argument ‘cause of our jealousies and insecurities, so I thought I have lost a friend. On Wednesday my whole world crash down when I heard about Heath’s dead, and I became the ghost I’m now. So my mother was right: Work, friends, illusions, dreams, beautiful things, nothing lasts forever, and you can loose them all in just a second.
How is possible that the death of a man I never met has ruined my life? Well, it’s simple. This forum was the only place in the whole world where I could be myself, where people understood me, where I found that I’m not crazy for loving so much BBM. Here there was reassurance. Here I could dream. But now…
As many brokies know, my life is being so hard lately, and I’ve always had a huge need to love and being loved, and I really need to think that people is good, that world is a nice place and I and the ones I love will be happy. ‘Cause of that I was always “dreaming”, building in my mind and in my soul a better places for everyone, thinking that “all” is possible if you want it with all your heart. Ennis and Jack, my brokies friends, everything here helped me so much to go on, helped me to keep dreaming; and a huge sweet part of those dreams was Heath. Now my castle of dreams has an empty room and I don’t know what to do to fill it. It’s like when you was a child and you had a magic place that made you feel special and happy every time you was there, like a cute tiny house in a tree in your garden, like a dusty warm attic where you used to hide your treasures, like a dazzling carousel, with precious lights, brilliant mirrors and many beautiful horses. You have the black one, the white one, the blue one, the brown one and so on. You love your little piece of heaven, but of all those marvellous figures you adore the amber one. But then, one day, suddenly, you go to your carrousel and your favourite horse is broken, dirty and shattered. You feel like the most miserable child in the f**ing dark world. Of course you still have so many little horses, wonderful in their amazing colours, and they are there only for you, waiting for you playing with them. You still loved them, but you don’t want to play no more, ‘cause, without your favourite friend, now the lights are no longer precious for you and the mirrors are not brilliant no more, and the carousel seems so sad, a cold place that you didn’t know that it could exist. And you don’t want to stay there ‘cause you don’t know what to do, and you only want to cry, go home and dream about your amber favourite one, ‘cause you think if you dream so hard about him, maybe you could made him come back. But then, right then, you realize that you can’t dream again ‘cause the one who made you dream is now dead, and without dreams you also are dead.
I don’t know if this made any sense for you, but it’s how I feel since I saw that damn new banner two days ago and the silly crazy dreams which used to helped me to go on were erased sharply. And now, for me, it seems that all carousels in the world are empty, old and broken, ‘cause I don’t have my "amber one" and I miss him so bad.
Oh my sweet baby, I miss you so bad. :\'( :\'( :\'(
