Since reading these last posts and the new topic 'Why Jack Quit Ennis' I have been thinking about this a lot. One thing that I have come to recognize is the fact that it is me personally that needs Jack not to have quit on Ennis. Jack was always a man with dreams, an optimist looking for happiness. He has had his life taken from him, his future taken from him, I don't want to have to cope with thinking that in his last weeks he had had his dream taken from him as well. It is a most depressing thought. But even though I now accept the arguments for Jack having quit on Ennis, I still can't bring myself to believe them, not all the time anyway.
Yes, Jack was
thinking about it. Of that I have no doubt. His whole demeanour on that last trip screams it out to me. Sitting by the fire passing the joint to each other Jack seemed really... tired, depressed, pensive, I can't think what word to use... WORN OUT would probably cover it. He is man IMO who was reaching the end of the road. I think that's why he says to Ennis about missing him so much he can hardly stand it, he's telling Ennis he loves him in the only way that Jack thinks he can get away with. He's trying to move the relationship on - he wants to see if it is possible. He wants to see if it's getting too much for Ennis too. He wants a reaction. He gets nothing.
I think that is another nail in the coffin of their relationship for Jack, but not the final one. If it were he would have had it out there and then, he'd already said more than normal, already taken a risk. He would surely have said 'I'm not sure about August, it's getting too much for me' or something like that if he had been ready. Make no mistake I do think that was the decision he was coming to, but I think he hadn't reached it yet. I think he'd decided to try and open things up this trip and see what happened. I think he probably always had decided that after this trip he would think about his future if he got no resolution. Maybe then talk to Randall about setting up home together, I don't think he would have before seeing where the land lay with Ennis. I think if Randall had suggested it and had been pressing Jack for an answer, he still would not have committed until
trying to speak to Ennis
first.
What happened was, his attempt at telling Ennis he couldn't cope with their separations anymore not only fell on deaf ears but Ennis then says at the last minute that August is out too. This disappointment was the catalyst for Jack showing Ennis the truth about how he was feeling. The owning up to Mexico letting Ennis know Yes, he was gay. Telling Ennis that he couldn't make it on a couple of 'high altitude f**** twice a year, that he hardly ever got something he
needed. There is no mistaking what he is telling Ennis. This ain't no fun thing - this is something Jack needs. This is
love.
Not that I think for one minute that Ennis needs telling that. I think he knows that only too well already. That is his biggest problem. He might have trouble accepting they're both gay, but he certainly
knows it. When you love someone you know it, you might not like it, you might try to hide it.You may well try it fight it. But how can you not know it? If you lust after something, you can tell yourself that it is just the thing that you like, but if you lust after that thing with one specific person, how can you not know? (I know I'm on dangerous ground here, it's only my opinion based on my own experience, maybe others are different, please don't shout at me too loudly!) Even when you don't want the other person to know that you love them, you can't help yourself knowing. Even when you don't want to. All those years ago when Jack asked them to set up home together, he was showing that he loved Ennis. The way he keeps coming back after twenty years shows Ennis that he loves him, and I've no doubt that in their loving Jack shows Ennis that it is love not just lust he feels.
No IMO this is not something that shocks Ennis, he already knows it. What it is, is having to admit it, having it said, is what has an impact. Having to face it. Realizing Jack is tired of the way their relationship is. Finally admitting that so is he. He can't stand it anymore. The lying, the loneliness, the guilt, the shame, all of it.
Now at this point I think that Jack has been looking at it all from his own side. HE wants more. HE can't stand it. He was thinking of ending it for himself. Now that he sees that Ennis can't stand anymore either, you could say and I know that a lot of people do, that he decides to end it for the both of them. He loves Ennis so much that he sets him free. Despite just saying that he couldn't quit him. The effect of seeing the toll that it is taking on Ennis makes him set Ennis free not for himself, but for Ennis. He couldn't do it for himself, but for Ennis he could do anything including give up his own dreams. That is (horribly for me) VERY PLAUSIBLE.
But I can't help thinking that they've just had a cataclysmic moment. NOTHING can ever be the same again. Neither of THEM can be the same again. Their RELATIONSHIP will never be the same again. They BOTH can't stand it anymore. They BOTH know it. I just can't see Jack quitting now. This is his chance to have that honesty and reaction that he had been looking for around the campfire. Maybe Ennis was incapable of it, but I think that he had to be given more than the few minutes they had left together to think about it.
Everything had changed for Jack because the conditions that he was thinking about ending it for had changed. Now he knew Ennis couldn't go on like that either.
If it was going to end, it was going to end soon enough, by their next meeting in fact. IMO. So why not make that meeting? We know that they arranged it because Ennis sent the postcard. So whatever he thought, he was at least going to tell Jack. Maybe he would have tried to just carry on as they were, then I think that Jack would have ended it. Maybe Ennis would have ended it in November. But at least they would have talked about it. When I think this way I can't think that Jack wouldn't have thought this too and waited to find out.
Yes, the relationship as it was was tearing Ennis apart. But Jack was willing to change it so that it didn't. All Ennis had to do was give the word. He didn't have to go on being hurt, either Jack would break the relationship up (for BOTH their sakes) or change it and get what he wanted. Being the optimist he was, I can't believe Jack would give up when things were changing, he would have waited to see what Ennis said in November.
If only we had been allowed to hear what they said to each other immediately prior to Ennis driving away. That is too big a piece of the puzzle missing. Did they say, 'lets wait till November and discuss it then' they must have said
something Ennis couldn't just drive off without saying anything. Jack is still hurt, he is still tired, he is still worn out, he still thinks it may be over, he still loves Ennis enough to give up on his own dreams if he has to, but ultimately,he still doesn't know whats going to happen. Nothing is resolved. Thats my take on the expression on his face. I've said in another post why I think that what he said to his dad about living on the twist ranch with Randall didn't mean anything to me. He also told his dad for years that Ennis was coming up. He was feeling pessimistic at that moment and thinking out loud, letting his mouth run away with him. (That's our Jack!
) But would probably think something else when he was in an optimistic mood!
Now, depending on my mood, I entertain both ideas, (which makes me sad because I like the second one more, it lets me think that Jack didn't die without his dream of finally having Ennis) and I've come to the conclusion that
I will never really know. I think the true answer for me to the question 'was Jack giving up on Ennis' is ... How long is a piece of string. (Where I come from this is a common way of answering an unanswerable question, meaning basically, ....why ask me? there's too much we don't know to answer.) How I would love to ask Annie Proulx!
Sorry to go on. It's only my opinion...just thinking out loud... (I'd like to put a smiley face, but this topic makes me too sad!) :\'(
