I know this is another silly what if….But I’ve thought about this several times now…and it’s making me cry and I need to talk about it.
You know how much Jack risked, the things he did to be with Ennis; you know about his endless beyond strong and constant love, how much he hoped and dreamt all his life. You know he did the first move in FNIT; he sent that postcard after four years apart; he was not angry for the punch; he drove 14 hours to be with Ennis all those years and he drove the same distance all happy like a boy without a second thought when he learned about Ennis divorce; he talked about Ennis to his parents; he said to Lureen that his favourite place in the world was BBM; he wanted his ashes there; he kept the shirts for 20 years. But you also know that he started to drink a lot because of his despair and hurt and sadness; you know he went Mexico and he was with Randall because of those same feelings of bitterness and loneliness…You know he became careless because his dreams were shattered with those Ennis no. Jack was passionate and devoted. His world moved around Ennis. Ennis was EVERYTHING for him. So sometimes I wonder what Jack had done if Ennis had died before him…
Ennis was broken, beaten and extremely sad, but he was a stoic, he learned things, painful but true things with Jack’s death, and also he found beautiful things like Jack loved him for real all those years. But what about Jack? Jack didn’t have shirts to find…..not someone telling him that Ennis favourite place was BBM, not Ennis parents saying to him that Ennis talked a lot about him, not even some imaginary Ennis diary saying “hey, I always wanted to live with you and I loved you all the time”. Jack was already a wreck after that last time they met; you can see that in his face the Dozy Embrace flashback.....
What do you think Jack had done when he found about Ennis death? Had he gone to WY to talk to Junior? Had he said to her who really was him for Ennis? Or who was really Ennis for him? Had he asked for Ennis ashes (if Ennis had wanted to be incinerated…)? Had he got those ashes to BBM? Had he lived with Randall after that (I don’t believe that not even for a second!!!) or had he been unable to be with another man? I know for sure that he had been so shattered, so hurting, so sad, that I bet he had gone almost crazy….And I think he had been unable to touch Randall again. I think he had felt so so guilty for what he did, for what he said to Ennis last time (I wish I know how to quit you), for never saying to Ennis “I love you” (Even if he did that because Ennis was not ready to hear that; but you know Jack: he could feel guilty for things he was not responsible for). I can see him crying like a baby in front of Lureen, in front of Junior, in front of anyone….Do you think he had drunk to death? Do you think he had tried to forget with some unknown guy, being all risky and careless till he found the death too?
I know I’m being all nasty here, but I’m not asking this for curiosity….I’m a Jack girl, and for some strange reason I can not see him facing his lover’s death the same way that Ennis (and I know Ennis was devastated). I see him crying, screaming, crazy, drunk….punched and wishing death. His dreams were dead long time ago, but now the wonderful human being that made him have those dreams was dead too, so what he had left? He spent his whole life dreaming to live with Ennis, being more and more bitter because he couldn't have him.....You know how much that hurt Jack and made him suffer...so imagine that suddenly he can't even have him 3 or 4 times a year...He'll never ever be with his love again... :\'( :\'( :\'(
Sorry if this is too dark or inappropriate. I’m having a Jack day..I’m sad and I’ve cry a lot reading about him, and just right one minute ago I saw a pic of his face in the DE scene…..full of devotion to Ennis, so so so full of love, that I thought:“It’s impossible for this man to loose his Ennis. He never gave up, he never stopped loving…He would have gone in November, I just know that”, so suddenly that question was there again… "God, what this man totally in love had done without Ennis?” Just thinking about it hurts like hell. :\'( :\'( :\'(
Thank you for reading this rambling.

Sometimes I need that.