((((Keren)))) ((((Everyone))))
Ohh, honey....I just wish I could offer you more than a cyber hug, Keren. I know exactly, precisely, fully where you're coming from, hon. No way are you alone in feeling this way. I know that in recent times I have been less conspicuous in the Heath threads here, but that is only because I simply had to force myself to take a respite from the crushing grief for a while. It was what should have been his thirtieth birthday that was the culmination of more than a year of cold hard grief that really did it. I simply had to step back for a while, take a breather...or risk going nuts. So, like Tammy, I guess I kinda ran away for a while, knowing full well that nothing had changed deep down, that I was merely band-aiding the still-intense sadness. I knew that it was truly only in the most superficial way imaginable that I'd "accepted" what had happened. I managed to hold onto that illusion for over a month, as the apparently endless grief, and other turmoils in my life, simply forced me to for a time. It's only been the last week or so that I've felt it creeping back to less sub-conscious recesses of myself, the old grief....and pretty much as strongly as ever. Perhaps less loud and staring-you-in-the-face than before, slightly less of a cacophony maybe, but essentially just as intensely as ever. :\'( :\'( :\'( :\'(
And particularly, since I've been really ill the last few days with a flu from hell, it's really been coursing though my veins again, the incredulity, the missing, the knowledge that Heath's final film is pending release, and that black hole you spoke of, Keren. To quote from the Johnny Cash/Trent Reznor song, "Hurt" (that will forever remind me of Ennis Del Mar now), it's back again - "the old familiar sting".
We hear you, sweetie, and we're here for you. Like Theresa said, we're all in this together.