Topic: Heath Ledger - In Loving Memory

[ksxks]

That is such a wonderful idea Lis  I'm gathering articles, magazines, posts etc and I'm going to make a booklet for myself- I do these weird time capsule type things in times like this- don't know why. I hope you show us the finished collage when you are done 

Michelle, why am I not surprised?     I love how you call it a time capsule; and I am doing that also, my collection, in a special folder, and the picture on the front is from that Warner Bros. tribute.  But also, I've been making things for our Las Vegas gathering, and also the special small piece I want to leave out in the desert.  So through all this, the past two weeks, I've been doing my usual creative Brokie thing, but it's even more meaningful now, for Heath...

kathy

[Twisted]

It's so sad. I'm so sad. Can't believe this. I'm without words.. I weep. :\'(

[hpv]

I have something to share with you,
Today I looked up my calendar for some appointment  and I saw the day 22 of January was marked in red, it's the holiday of : Tu Bishvat. I was to devastated to notice it before ...
Tu Bishvat is a Jewish holiday, that marks the "New Year of the Trees"  Customs include planting trees and eating dried fruits and nuts. In Israel, the flowering of the almond tree, which grows wild around the country, coincides with Tu Bishvat.
 I find it very significant as we usually plant trees on this day(over a million Israelis now take part in the  tree-planting activities organized every year on Tu Bishvat., mostly children from schools do it this days)
 I was thinking, new planted tree....many of them on that particular day, it made me feel a little better...
I for one like to think that one of those was for our boy, Heath.

[Emzan]

I read that someone had a dream about Heath and last night It was my turn, It's the first dream of him since he died.

I saw Heath standing in front of a lot of people and he said "I'm sorry" and then he started to cry. Then I saw Michelle and Matilda and they were crying to and Heath said "I didn't want to leave you but I had to and I'm sorry" and then he disapered In a with light and Matilda said "I love you daddy"
When I woke up i cried so hard I couldn't breath. but after a wile I calmed down and thou gt that the with light must have meant that he became and angel and that he is watching over his little girl now :\'(

[titabeille]

It's a beautiful and so sad dream you have had Emzan...It sounds like a prophecy.  The dreams are the representation of our unconscious, they reveal us our driven back desires. 

Simone 

[titabeille]

I have something to share with you,
Today I looked up my calendar for some appointment  and I saw the day 22 of January was marked in red, it's the holiday of : Tu Bishvat. I was to devastated to notice it before ...
Tu Bishvat is a Jewish holiday, that marks the "New Year of the Trees"  Customs include planting trees and eating dried fruits and nuts. In Israel, the flowering of the almond tree, which grows wild around the country, coincides with Tu Bishvat.
 I find it very significant as we usually plant trees on this day(over a million Israelis now take part in the  tree-planting activities organized every year on Tu Bishvat., mostly children from schools do it this days)
 I was thinking, new planted tree....many of them on that particular day, it made me feel a little better...
I for one like to think that one of those was for our boy, Heath.

Thank you hpv, to share this story with us.  I am sure a lot of trees will now be growing in Heath's memory  .  That means too he is still alive for years and centuries, even when we'll all be died and perhaps with him in heaven.
 

[babytammy7]

Well, everybody hang tough.  A lot of outsiders would think we were overly emotional....and weak.  Just the opposite---we have been tough
enough to risk a lot by loving, and we are proving tough enough to handle a huge loss.  It's not that we're better than others, but we sure are
independent, unique, in the ways that we give our hearts out, and, if outsiders looked a little closer, they would see we gave our love to Heath
....with just cause.  

Tony....  :\'(  :\'(  :\'( So beautiful, friend.

[FlwrChild]

Emzan, my Heath dream was a couple of days ago. It wasn't anything dramatic or important, just a quiet afternoon backyard barbeque, with a few other people around, and we just hung out and talked. He was soft spoken as always, a little shy, very friendly, and relaxed; none of the fidgeting we'd seen so much of in his interviews over the years. It was nice just to hear his voice and see his face up close, and when I woke up and the feel of it started fading away, I just wanted to grab on and hold onto it for as long as I could. I know it was an image of my own making, but it made me feel a little better anyway, and as I process the new gut punch of hearing the tox reports and adding another step toward finality in my acceptance of all this, it gives me a nice feeling to hold onto, and I'm really grateful to have that.

[babytammy7]

Today, here in Spain all the newspapers talk about Heath. I read that he took six different kinds of pills. I've taken in my life at least 3 or 4 of them.

Oxicodona : To calm pain.
Hidrocodona: It’s Vicodina. To calm pain.
Diazepam: Valium. Against anxiety attacks.
Temazepam: To sleep and against panic attacks.
Alprazolam: Xanac. Against panic attacks derived from depression.
Doxilamina: A sedative.

So now, just tell me, is that means that my Heath was in pain? That he not only couldn’t sleep but he was suffering pains too? That he had so horrible panic attacks? That he had a terrible depression? So, that he was sad?

Oh my, no, no, no…… Our Heath, our baby….Being sad, suffering pain and panic attacks.That’s so heartbreaking and unbelievable horrible  :\'(  :\'(  :\'(

I’m a wreck right now, a real mess, crying like crazy over my desk, and don’t tell me nice things about he was happy, ‘cause I have eyes, huh, and I can see what those pills means. No one doctor in the whole world gives you Diazepam, or Vicodina, or Temazepan if you are not depressed, if you don’t have anxiety attacks, if you don’t feel pain!!!

Oh no, Jesus no!! I said several times in my previous posts that I was so afraid of Heath being sad or sick or…and now, just look at that pill list. I used to take several of those when I had depression and that was the deepest darkest nightmare I’ve ever had. AND I DON’T WANT HEATH TO HAVE PASSED THROUGH THAT!!! No, no, no.

My heart is broken and I’m just so confused and shattered and sick that I could vomit right now if I’d eaten something……’cause I can not eat nor think straight…only to cry and curse.  :\'(  :\'(  :\'(

I can not stand this any more....

[FlwrChild]

Aww Tammy    

None of us can know what was in his mind or in his heart, so please don't upset yourself with what if's and wonderings. Anxiety in and of itself does not have to speak of a deeper depression, and if it was, it's not for us to know.

What I do know, or at least believe, is that he would not want to see you so distressed, just as you don't want to think of him distressed. So try, as hard as it can be, to focus instead on all of the joys in his life that he shared with us, the knowledge that he had a beautiful daughter that he loved and felt brought meaning to his life, and the remembrance, through his movies and many interviews, of just what a wonderful and gifted gentleman he was.

[keren_b]

I think because it's too incomprehensible to process-any of it. I think, for me, that no matter what the report said it wasn't going to make me feel "better" there is only one thing that will make me feel better right now and I know that will never come to pass.  :\'( There is just a helplessness in all of this-everyone of us was powerless against what happened- there was nothing we could have said or done to change a damn thing. And it sucks. I think acceptance, at least for me, will be a very long time in coming. 

I feel the same. 

[FlwrChild]

Keren 

We'll all get there eventually, and thank God, we'll get there together.

[christie wood]

Keren 

We'll all get there eventually, and thank God, we'll get there together.

Aww thats just so lovely.  I'm sorry I've not been here much, but I've been here in spirit, with you all. I just cant begin to write down my thoughts that would make any sense, because they dont, not at all.  I just feel beyond sad.    :\'( :\'( :\'(  But its good to know that this place is here, and that, yes, we will be able to deal with this together, however long it takes.  Thank you so much for all of you being here, it means the world to me.   

[lancecowboy]

All the posts about outsiders not understanding our grief, our love for Heath, remind me of another of my favorite songs. Heath always took life full throttle with fire in his heart. Those who don't understand, are those standing outside the fire. Thank you to you all who share the flame.

GARTH BROOKS LYRICS

"Standing Outside The Fire"

We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk the tables being turned

We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always comes with getting burned

But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire

We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will never take the fall

We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it all

They're so hell-bent on giving ,walking a wire
Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

There's this love that is burning
Deep in my soul
Constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to fly higher and higher
I can't abide
Standing outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

    Before I logged off, was going to thank everybody that replied to one of my posts, but the list was very long, so will just say---you all are
the greatest.  Also, Ayashae's poem was beautiful.
   But Michelle's saying: "...a reality that will scream until it's heard.."  hits close to home.

   Maybe there's more than one scream, though.  More going on.  The first, from the total unreality of all this.  The second, from the unreality
moving into proving true.  And a third, maybe what Michelle speaks to, a scream that accepts finality but expresses a grief that must be heard.
Myself, I am still going back and forth between those three stages.

  Again, the news says the funeral is Saturday, but, if that is true, is that actually Friday, here?  Does anyone know? I don't believe the family
means the actual day is to be kept private--they probably just don't want, and will enforce, no media nearby.

Well, everybody hang tough.  A lot of outsiders would think we were overly emotional....and weak.  Just the opposite---we have been tough
enough to risk a lot by loving, and we are proving tough enough to handle a huge loss.  It's not that we're better than others, but we sure are
independent, unique, in the ways that we give our hearts out, and, if outsiders looked a little closer, they would see we gave our love to Heath
....with just cause.   

[lancecowboy]

Dear Tammy, you don't have to speculate whether Heath was in pain, or what. He said in an interview that he always felt anxious during a project. It is natural creative anxiety about doing a job well. He was under a lot of pressure, and stress, but nothing that he couldn't handle. Remember his family said that the two weeks of rest over the holidays was wonderful with him. He was ready to take on the world again, making plans to meet friends the next day.

This was a tragic accident because the pills were lethal when mixed. Please remember to never do that. And remember Heath's gifts, to love the people and life, with our fullest abilities, and not let regrets, worries, fears from keeping those we love, those who love us, at a distance, whether by words, by attitudes, or by action.

 

Today, here in Spain all the newspapers talk about Heath. I read that he took six different kinds of pills. I've taken in my life at least 3 or 4 of them.

Oxicodona : To calm pain.
Hidrocodona: It’s Vicodina. To calm pain.
Diazepam: Valium. Against anxiety attacks.
Temazepam: To sleep and against panic attacks.
Alprazolam: Xanac. Against panic attacks derived from depression.
Doxilamina: A sedative.

So now, just tell me, is that means that my Heath was in pain? That he not only couldn’t sleep but he was suffering pains too? That he had so horrible panic attacks? That he had a terrible depression? So, that he was sad?

Oh my, no, no, no…… Our Heath, our baby….Being sad, suffering pain and panic attacks.That’s so heartbreaking.and unbelievable horrible  :\'(  :\'(  :\'(

I’m a wreck right now, a real mess, crying like crazy over my desk, and don’t tell me nice things about he was happy, ‘cause I have eyes, huh, and I can see what that pills means. No one doctor in the whole world gives you Diazepam, or Vicodina, or Temazepan if you are not depressed, if you don’t have anxiety attacks, if you don’t feel pain!!!

Oh no, Jesus no!! I said several times in my previous posts that I was so afraid of Heath being sad or sick or…and now, just look at that pill list. I used to take several of those when I had depression and that was the deepest darkest nightmare I’ve ever had. AND DON’T WANT HEATH TO HAVE PASSED THROUGH THAT!!! No, no, no.

My heart is broken and I’m just so confused and shattered and sick that I could vomit right now if I’d eaten something……’cause I can not eat nor think straight…only to cry and curse.  :\'(  :\'(  :\'(

I can not stand this any more....

[Raisa]

Dear Tammy, you don't have to speculate whether Heath was in pain, or what. He said in an interview that he always felt anxious during a project. It is natural creative anxiety about doing a job well. He was under a lot of pressure, and stress, but nothing that he couldn't handle. Remember his family said that the two weeks of rest over the holidays was wonderful with him. He was ready to take on the world again, making plans to meet friends the next day.

This was a tragic accident because the pills were lethal when mixed. Please remember to never do that. And remember Heath's gifts, to love the people and life, with our fullest abilities, and not let regrets, worries, fears from keeping those we love, those who love us, at a distance, whether by words, by attitudes, or by action.

 

I think it is not very extraordinary for artists to feel extreme feelings when they are are doing they work, deeply involved and dived into the dephts of their work. It is one of the things that make them great artists, the ability to dive in deep. It has also risks.

During these weeks I have felt deep inside my heart that this was an accident. Hearing it to be confirmed, doesn't take the pain away, but it relieves. It was an accident, not intention.

Be careful and take care BabyTammy! 

[trekfan]

I read that someone had a dream about Heath and last night It was my turn, It's the first dream of him since he died.

I saw Heath standing in front of a lot of people and he said "I'm sorry" and then he started to cry. Then I saw Michelle and Matilda and they were crying to and Heath said "I didn't want to leave you but I had to and I'm sorry" and then he disapered In a with light and Matilda said "I love you daddy"
When I woke up i cried so hard I couldn't breath. but after a wile I calmed down and thou gt that the with light must have meant that he became and angel and that he is watching over his little girl now :\'(

Emzan what a good dream.  That is what I think this is.   I know he said he was sorry to his little girl and Michelle.   I think this represents him going towards the light.   Our angel Heath is in a peaceful place looking over his little girl. 

Linda

[trekfan]

Emzan, my Heath dream was a couple of days ago. It wasn't anything dramatic or important, just a quiet afternoon backyard barbeque, with a few other people around, and we just hung out and talked. He was soft spoken as always, a little shy, very friendly, and relaxed; none of the fidgeting we'd seen so much of in his interviews over the years. It was nice just to hear his voice and see his face up close, and when I woke up and the feel of it started fading away, I just wanted to grab on and hold onto it for as long as I could. I know it was an image of my own making, but it made me feel a little better anyway, and as I process the new gut punch of hearing the tox reports and adding another step toward finality in my acceptance of all this, it gives me a nice feeling to hold onto, and I'm really grateful to have that.

FC why was I not invited to this party!         it sounds like such a nice dream.  I know I have dreamed of heath but I can't remember them

[Emzan]

Emzan what a good dream.  That is what I think this is.   I know he said he was sorry to his little girl and Michelle.   I think this represents him going towards the light.   Our angel Heath is in a peaceful place looking over his little girl. 

Linda

Yea, the most beautiful angel in heaven.

[FlwrChild]

As always, beautiful thoughts everyone.

lancecowboy, that's such an appropriate song for him. Heath was always standing right inside the fire of life, glowing with a wonderful energy and intensity. Not one minute wasted, not one dream compromised. A beautiful song for a beautiful soul.

[LuvJackNasty]

Michelle, why am I not surprised?     I love how you call it a time capsule; and I am doing that also, my collection, in a special folder, and the picture on the front is from that Warner Bros. tribute.  But also, I've been making things for our Las Vegas gathering, and also the special small piece I want to leave out in the desert.  So through all this, the past two weeks, I've been doing my usual creative Brokie thing, but it's even more meaningful now, for Heath...

kathy

Oh Kathy that is wonderful to leave a little tribute to him out there. 

[LuvJackNasty]

I just got done with another crying fit and came here to read some posts.

Big hugs to everyone 

  Christie. I can't find the words either.

Tammy, sweetie, I sent you a pm 

Dear Tammy, you don't have to speculate whether Heath was in pain, or what. He said in an interview that he always felt anxious during a project. It is natural creative anxiety about doing a job well. He was under a lot of pressure, and stress, but nothing that he couldn't handle. Remember his family said that the two weeks of rest over the holidays was wonderful with him. He was ready to take on the world again, making plans to meet friends the next day.

This was a tragic accident because the pills were lethal when mixed. Please remember to never do that. And remember Heath's gifts, to love the people and life, with our fullest abilities, and not let regrets, worries, fears from keeping those we love, those who love us, at a distance, whether by words, by attitudes, or by action.
 

Beautiful Andrew 

[BBBOY]

Dear Tammy, you don't have to speculate whether Heath was in pain, or what. He said in an interview that he always felt anxious during a project. It is natural creative anxiety about doing a job well. He was under a lot of pressure, and stress, but nothing that he couldn't handle. Remember his family said that the two weeks of rest over the holidays was wonderful with him. He was ready to take on the world again, making plans to meet friends the next day.

This was a tragic accident because the pills were lethal when mixed. Please remember to never do that. And remember Heath's gifts, to love the people and life, with our fullest abilities, and not let regrets, worries, fears from keeping those we love, those who love us, at a distance, whether by words, by attitudes, or by action.

 

I think you have said it best here Lance. TY 

[lancecowboy]

I think you have said it best here Lance. TY 

BBBOY, I don't think I said it any better than saying what others have been thinking and feeling, too. I think it is how we all feel. I can tell from all the posts that some of us are really hurting, the shock of Heath's death had been devastating to some of us, especially the younger members who have not had the life experiences as you and I, and other older members.

To me, having survived one devastating death, and other sorrowful events, and especially having been healed so recently from watching the movie and coming to this forum, Heath's death was shocking and devastating but I could rely on past experiences to heal, to recover. Whatever words I have to say, are the same that have been posted on this forum months and years ago, about love loss, love unrequited, love unexpressed. To me, losing Heath is like living Brokeback Mountain again, and again.

Its impact on me was stronger than I realized, until I called up old friends I haven't spoken to for years. And especially an old Christian friend who I hurt many years ago, when I abruptly broke off our friendship without any explanation. When I finally came out to him and asked for forgiveness, a great weight lifted, and I was happier than I had been for months.Indeed perhaps years. Out of all the pain and sorrow, I am forever grateful to Heath for giving me not only Ennis, but also by his example, a way of life that is pure and full of joy.

Please don't thank me for saying what is on everyone's mind. Thank Heath instead, for all his many gifts to us all, and Ethan, and the moderators (of which YOU are one) who sustain this forum through thick and thin.

 

[hpv]

I don't think I said it any better than saying what others have been thinking and feeling, too. I think it is how we all feel. I can tell from all the posts that some of us are really hurting, the shock of Heath's death had been devastating to some of us, especially the younger members who have not had the life experiences as you and I, and other older members.
...........
To me, having survived one devastating death, and other sorrowful events,
 .......
Please don't thank me for saying what is on everyone's mind. Thank Heath instead, for all his many gifts to us all, and Ethan, and the moderators (of which YOU are one) who sustain this forum through thick and thin.

lance     
You are to modest, truly, even if your words are saying what others feel, still you say it in a very clear and fine way,that we can relate to,  so again thank you for that! 

[jacks_key]

Today, here in Spain all the newspapers talk about Heath. I read that he took six different kinds of pills. I've taken in my life at least 3 or 4 of them.

Oxicodona : To calm pain.
Hidrocodona: It’s Vicodina. To calm pain.
Diazepam: Valium. Against anxiety attacks.
Temazepam: To sleep and against panic attacks.
Alprazolam: Xanac. Against panic attacks derived from depression.
Doxilamina: A sedative.

So now, just tell me, is that means that my Heath was in pain? That he not only couldn’t sleep but he was suffering pains too? That he had so horrible panic attacks? That he had a terrible depression? So, that he was sad?

Oh my, no, no, no…… Our Heath, our baby….Being sad, suffering pain and panic attacks.That’s so heartbreaking and unbelievable horrible  :\'(  :\'(  :\'(

I’m a wreck right now, a real mess, crying like crazy over my desk, and don’t tell me nice things about he was happy, ‘cause I have eyes, huh, and I can see what those pills means. No one doctor in the whole world gives you Diazepam, or Vicodina, or Temazepan if you are not depressed, if you don’t have anxiety attacks, if you don’t feel pain!!!

Oh no, Jesus no!! I said several times in my previous posts that I was so afraid of Heath being sad or sick or…and now, just look at that pill list. I used to take several of those when I had depression and that was the deepest darkest nightmare I’ve ever had. AND I DON’T WANT HEATH TO HAVE PASSED THROUGH THAT!!! No, no, no.

My heart is broken and I’m just so confused and shattered and sick that I could vomit right now if I’d eaten something……’cause I can not eat nor think straight…only to cry and curse.  :\'(  :\'(  :\'(

I can not stand this any more....

Baby Tammy, I feel your pain, truly I do.  I myself currently take medication for panic attacks - I know how frightening they can be.  To think that Heath suffered from them just breaks my heart even more.  And the depression, too, I know how bad that can be.  It's horrible that he had to go through all of that.  And now he's gone.  It's so unfair.   :\'(

[JAKELANDIA]

Baby Tammy, I feel your pain, truly I do.  I myself currently take medication for panic attacks - I know how frightening they can be.  To think that Heath suffered from them just breaks my heart even more.  And the depression, too, I know how bad that can be.  It's horrible that he had to go through all of that.  And now he's gone.  It's so unfair.   :\'(

[Tony]

       It's so quiet here, so far today, so very few posts, and I guess that's probably because the funeral is today, our time.  It'll make a
difference---the whole idea of funerals is to help the family and friends, in some way, come to terms with a loss. Very, very often, however,
the services just alter the over-all sense of loss.  There are days that start where you feel back to normal, other days, brief relapse or even
depression.  Most of you have experienced this and so know what's going to happen.
   And then, for us, we all have to come to terms with how we became so emotionally entangled and suffered reactions far different than
others, who just liked Heath's movies.  There are some who will feel they over-reacted and there's something wrong with them.  Nah.  It
is a good idea, over time, to find out why the feeling of connection to Heath, but we should never forget that he crossed our paths a different
way, and there is no shame to that.  We are who we are, and we loved Heath.  And we'll miss him.  If anyone does get news the services
are over, I hope they will post.
  My understanding is, it's roughly in these hours, now, and I have heard the family will have a wake of celebration, at a beach Heath favored,
if they can sustain that without too much interference.  Have also heard the press corps is 30-40, and have said they would restrain themselves
if allowed some limited coverage.  I doubt the family will agree to the offer.

[FlwrChild]

Tony, you described our feelings very well. That is exactly what I'm experiencing, and though I don't discuss it much in "RL", I am not at all concerned with what anyone else might think of my feelings. I just feel fortunate to have felt some of the warmth from the glow that he cast, and to have found this wonderful community through his work.

If the services are Saturday mid-day Sydney time, that would be this evening here in the Eastern States, and late afternoon on the west coast. I might light a candle this evening just to honor him around the same time.

[JAKELANDIA]