Topic: Heath Ledger - In Loving Memory

[FlwrChild]

Oh Keren, I like that. Two sides of the coin. Maybe it's one of the reasons he was such a good choice to portray that character - he knew the importance of that lesson. I'm glad he shared it with us, on screen and off.

 

[jackster]

. . .  it just spun into the thought that if he were destined to live only 28 years, he did it just right. . . .

A truly wonderful post FC. The whole thing.

[Emzan]

This has to be one of the most AMAZING posts I have read in a while. Beautiful thoughts, amazingly expressed and put into words. And yes, you are absolutely right- Heath made the best of his life. I personally believe that there are no 'accidents'- everything happens for a reason and everything happens at just the right time. Of course, it may NOT seem the right time for us ( Heath's passing still doesn't FEEL like 'the right time' ), but it obviously was for that person. and that's the greatest paradox of all--> how to conciliate the fact that we know the person we love, but has gone, is actually OKAY ( if we feel in our gut that death itself is nothing 'bad', but a mere physical transition which we, as human beings, perceive as such ) and the fact that WE are not okay, because WE are the ones who are 'left behind' and who are forced to move on without the person in question. We gotta stand it. That's the difficult part....

oh, and the most amazing part of your post was this:

'God , I just can't help thinking how right it is that he filled his life with, well, his life.'

I like that thought VERY much 

I agree with everyting you're saying.

[JAKELANDIA]

In February light


in a
distant
riverine
biosphere
an Indian
boy flashes
ethnic butt
as he steps
out of his
wood canoe
and lifts
his flute
to his
lips

wrong,
it's only
you,
a local
sky-being
trapped in a
peach-fuzz
bathrobe,
reaching out
the kitchen
window to fill
the birdfeeder
while February
light shines
quietly upon
your super
thighs

 

[MississaugaRed]

Ok, sorry for being long-winded, but I was watching an interview with Heath and something struck me. I was looking at one of his tatoos and thinking about when he got them and such (it was an older interview, so I realized he's had that wrist one for a long time). And it just spun into the thought that if he were destined to live only 28 years, he did it just right. I mean, he did what he wanted to do, even when other people sometimes tried to tell him not to. He made his own career choices when his early management thought he should play it safe, and look at the treasure trove we have now because of that. He marked himself the way he wanted and felt comfortable with. He loved openly and enthusiastically, even when it thrust him into that spotlight he didn't like because it was with someone famous - he didn't stifle any of that to avoid discomfort. Boy, when he was in love, you knew he was in love. And he had the chance to experience what he said was the best thing in his life - being a parent. God , I just can't help thinking how right it is that he filled his life with, well, his life. Seems like it could be a great example of how to stay true to yourself and make the most of every moment. He could have molded himself differently for a lot of people or a lot of reasons, but I bet when he crossed that threshhold, he felt good about every decision he ever made. You know, it's said that you should plan for tomorrow, but live for today. I think we sometimes forget the second half of that. And sometimes worry so much about what other people might think of us that we let our best chances for our happiest moments pass us by. Geez, it's a lesson well learned from both Heath (on how to do it right) and Ennis (on how not to do it). I'm actually feeling a breath of...I don't know...fresh air or energy or something.

So I put a challenge to a friend. Let's make a deal.  Do something this month just for you, something you want to do, and do it whether anyone else thinks it's a good idea or not. Look where our instinct has gotten us so far. Let's trust that and take a leap. I know, I'm probably sounding manic, but it's in my head now and I think I'm going to listen to it.

I was still crying over song lyrics this morning, but I'm going to try to keep this resolution. And when I achieve it, I'll think of Heath.

         That was beautiful, and inspiring, FC.    Thank you for sharing. 

[keren_b]

This was apparently one of Heath's favorite songs, which was also played at his memorial service. It just happens that it's one of my favorite songs too.

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell, blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze? Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war
for a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl,
year after year,
Running over the same old ground
What have you found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

(Pink Floyd)

[Lis]

This was apparently one of Heath's favorite songs, which was also played at his memorial service. It just happens that it's one of my favorite songs too.

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell, blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze? Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war
for a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl,
year after year,
Running over the same old ground
What have you found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

(Pink Floyd)

I love that song, breaks my heart how true it is now. I do wish he was here  :\'(

[LuvJackNasty]

I’ve been having trouble really articulating my thoughts on all of this. I don’t really know why- too painful? If I say them will it make it real? Haven’t figured that out yet and am not sure I ever will. This morning gave me another crying commute to work. Hearing one song that triggers the tears is more than enough, but lately they’ve been coming in groups. I suppose the logical thing to do would be to change the station but logic isn’t always ever present. Anyway, I don’t know what this is going to come out as- a rant, a ramble, I have no idea. I guess I feel the need to purge some of these thoughts in any way they choose to manifest themselves.

Is it “normal” to be stuck standing still? I know we all handle our grief in different ways and at different paces but shouldn’t denial be over with by now? I keep bouncing back and forth through the “stages”. I know there are no hard and fast rules to those stages but… Is it “normal” to be so suspended in disbelief?  I thought NY would be a big reality check for me- nope. Then the word “autopsy”- no, again. Then words like “funeral” and “cremation” would surely be a huge clue. But no, nothing is making this seem real. I don’t know what more I need to have the slightest bit of reality come knocking at my door. I’m not looking for acceptance because that won’t ever come- I may always border the outskirts in order to incorporate this into my life, but I don’t foresee me ever entering that stage. I have moments where I hear my friend’s voice in my head uttering those horrible words in my ear on January 22. Moments where I’ve actually “scolded” myself for buying into such a horrible malicious story (that he had passed away) when that couldn’t possibly be true, only to snap out of it and realize that this is not something that my imagination created.

There is nothing to fix this. No way to change this. There isn’t anything we can do to change the ending. The mind conjures up many, at times too many, thoughts. Some of them should be comforting: “This was meant to be”; “One day we’ll be okay” etc. And those are all very valid and true and I think some small part of me takes comfort in them even if I don’t believe them just yet. But the heart? The heart tells quite a different story. The heart is not only bruised and broken; it is angry and it tells the mind to shut the hell up. Maybe one day the heart will come to understand what the mind has been trying to tell it but it will never accept.

[Tony]

  Dear Michelle--if it's any consolation, you spoke for so very many of us. And, no, it can't be fixed. Whatever pieces we fit back together, will
not be exactly what we were before.  I am so sorry for those who have stricter work schedules, kids, AND this unreality that is dangling over
our entire community.   And you are one of them.
  In a vaguely related area, I posted on the other thread what was probably my last strong opinion.  Here, because of you, Michelle, no strong
personal opinions, but a plea to the entire community---come back together again.  Please.  Some have felt there was too much emotion, some,
too little.  Each has a different time schedule for healing and they do seem to clash because there are open wounds.
  Anybody angry-forgive.  Anybody disapproving of other's reactions-ratchet up your tolerance level.  Anybody who has drifted off and only
shows up occasionally---come back home.
  We are on different schedules.  We are different people.  But re-read Michelle's post, understand some of us will be a long time hurting,
forgo grievances, and come home to a stronger community.  It's our time, now, to recognize we can't fix it---we gotta stand it.  Somehow.
My personal apologies to anyone I have ever given offense to.  Right now---let's be ourselves, re-group, and, even if limping, keep going.

[ayasha]

  Dear Michelle--if it's any consolation, you spoke for so very many of us. And, no, it can't be fixed. Whatever pieces we fit back together, will
not be exactly what we were before.  I am so sorry for those who have stricter work schedules, kids, AND this unreality that is dangling over
our entire community.   And you are one of them.
  In a vaguely related area, I posted on the other thread what was probably my last strong opinion.  Here, because of you, Michelle, no strong
personal opinions, but a plea to the entire community---come back together again.  Please.  Some have felt there was too much emotion, some,
too little.  Each has a different time schedule for healing and they do seem to clash because there are open wounds.
  Anybody angry-forgive.  Anybody disapproving of other's reactions-ratchet up your tolerance level.  Anybody who has drifted off and only
shows up occasionally---come back home.
  We are on different schedules.  We are different people.  But re-read Michelle's post, understand some of us will be a long time hurting,
forgo grievances, and come home to a stronger community.  It's our time, now, to recognize we can't fix it---we gotta stand it.  Somehow.
My personal apologies to anyone I have ever given offense to.  Right now---let's be ourselves, re-group, and, even if limping, keep going.

Friend, you are right  It's all about tolerance and understanding

"We're one, but we're not the same
we get to carry each other..."

    

[Lis]

Hello LJN  

I have too, jumped through the stages in my acceptance of his death. Sometimes, I believe he's still alive, like when I watch 10 things (he seems so happy and so lively) or when I find new pictures on the 'Oh Baby' thread. Then they are others times, when the news tells about him (which I most of the time HATE) or the most dramatic for me at least, when they put him last of the memorial slid in BOTH the SAG and the BAFTA awards. I don't know why but Daniel's tribute to Heath brought shivers down my spine and the BAFTA tribute made me wanna break down into tears. These are the moments. I know I will never forget this man. He was a man true to our hearts, one that took risk and loved everyone he met. He lived his life to the fullest without the celebrity limelight and money. He found love, had a daughter, and did movies that brought him and everyone around him, great joy. This is why it is hard for all of us to seem like his death is unreal. It came too soon, to unexpected and though he did not look completely happy during his last few days (mostly because of he was sick), he was happy with the life he'd been given.
LJN, do not be angry at yourself or guilty for what you might've said to others. You are still deep in the grieving proses and it will I know, take a long time (for all of us) to fully recover. Some of us, in our hearts will never fully recover. His apartment, the words "cremation" or "autopsy" or "funeral", can sometimes never heal a person's heart. No matter how many times said or how many new flowers you see outside of his house. For me, the word 'cremation' was hard for me to swallow. It made some of this real, but most of me still, like you, did not make me believe that he was gone. I see him in movies, the lively figure and the smiling face and it just doesn't make any sense. How can a being so pure and so innocent, die? It will never make full sense but LJN, make sure you smile, cry..but cry tears of joy for a life who lived..life, never doubt for a second that the way you grieve is wrong.

Have a very lovely Valentine's Day
     
Lis  

I've been having trouble really articulating my thoughts on all of this. I don't really know why- too painful? If I say them will it make it real? Haven't figured that out yet and am not sure I ever will. This morning gave me another crying commute to work. Hearing one song that triggers the tears is more than enough, but lately they've been coming in groups. I suppose the logical thing to do would be to change the station but logic isn't always ever present. Anyway, I don't know what this is going to come out as- a rant, a ramble, I have no idea. I guess I feel the need to purge some of these thoughts in any way they choose to manifest themselves.

Is it normal to be stuck standing still? I know we all handle our grief in different ways and at different paces but shouldn't denial be over with by now? I keep bouncing back and forth through the stages. I know there are no hard and fast rules to those stages but Is it normal to be so suspended in disbelief?  I thought NY would be a big reality check for me- nope. Then the word autopsy- no, again. Then words like funeral and cremation would surely be a huge clue. But no, nothing is making this seem real. I don't know what more I need to have the slightest bit of reality come knocking at my door. I'm not looking for acceptance because that won't ever come- I may always border the outskirts in order to incorporate this into my life, but I don't foresee me ever entering that stage. I have moments where I hear my friend's voice in my head uttering those horrible words in my ear on January 22. Moments where I've actually scolded myself for buying into such a horrible malicious story (that he had passed away) when that couldn't possibly be true, only to snap out of it and realize that this is not something that my imagination created.

There is nothing to fix this. No way to change this. There isn't anything we can do to change the ending. The mind conjures up many, at times too many, thoughts. Some of them should be comforting: this was meant to be”; “One day we'll be okay" etc. And those are all very valid and true and I think some small part of me takes comfort in them even if I don't believe them just yet. But the heart? The heart tells quite a different story. The heart is not only bruised and broken; it is angry and it tells the mind to shut the hell up. Maybe one day the heart will come to understand what the mind has been trying to tell it but it will never accept.

[guyinjax]

I’ve been having trouble really articulating my thoughts on all of this. I don’t really know why- too painful? If I say them will it make it real? Haven’t figured that out yet and am not sure I ever will. This morning gave me another crying commute to work. Hearing one song that triggers the tears is more than enough, but lately they’ve been coming in groups. I suppose the logical thing to do would be to change the station but logic isn’t always ever present. Anyway, I don’t know what this is going to come out as- a rant, a ramble, I have no idea. I guess I feel the need to purge some of these thoughts in any way they choose to manifest themselves.

Is it “normal” to be stuck standing still? I know we all handle our grief in different ways and at different paces but shouldn’t denial be over with by now? I keep bouncing back and forth through the “stages”. I know there are no hard and fast rules to those stages but… Is it “normal” to be so suspended in disbelief?  I thought NY would be a big reality check for me- nope. Then the word “autopsy”- no, again. Then words like “funeral” and “cremation” would surely be a huge clue. But no, nothing is making this seem real. I don’t know what more I need to have the slightest bit of reality come knocking at my door. I’m not looking for acceptance because that won’t ever come- I may always border the outskirts in order to incorporate this into my life, but I don’t foresee me ever entering that stage. I have moments where I hear my friend’s voice in my head uttering those horrible words in my ear on January 22. Moments where I’ve actually “scolded” myself for buying into such a horrible malicious story (that he had passed away) when that couldn’t possibly be true, only to snap out of it and realize that this is not something that my imagination created.

There is nothing to fix this. No way to change this. There isn’t anything we can do to change the ending. The mind conjures up many, at times too many, thoughts. Some of them should be comforting: “This was meant to be”; “One day we’ll be okay” etc. And those are all very valid and true and I think some small part of me takes comfort in them even if I don’t believe them just yet. But the heart? The heart tells quite a different story. The heart is not only bruised and broken; it is angry and it tells the mind to shut the hell up. Maybe one day the heart will come to understand what the mind has been trying to tell it but it will never accept.

Powerful and so full of natural truth that it hurts. 

I have been so touched and moved by everyone's posts.  And I've felt safe posting here.  Take heart ... ennisjack.com is our mountain, and we can shout anything we need to from it.  We're all listening.  We're all here. 

I've been listening to the soundtrack - DAMN you! Gustavo ... (well, no, not damn ... we love you!).  I'm a musician, so I tend to be more analytical when I'm listening to music.  This score grabs you ... those first two guitar tones (A and G-sharp) - piercing the silence.  THAT hurts.  I still get misty-eyed hearing that simple music when Jack and Ennis are young, standing at a campfire, Ennis behind a nearly sleeping Jack ... you know the scene.  The music sounds like it's so far away, never to be reached.  How did Gustavo do that?  I'm rambling about the music because LJN mentioned that a song on the radio triggers an emotion.  GOOD!  That's how it's supposed to work.  Cry, LJN, a lot.  We all do, all the time.  Heath Ledger's death, for all of us, was ... IS ... more than just the tragic death of an unequalled actor.  It's the end of Ennis.  And that is something that pierces our collective heart. 

Honestly, I can't wait for my evening with Jack and Ennis.  It's coming up Saturday at 8.  Once more 'round the mountain; once more to visit Lightning Flat, Riverton, and the rest.  Once more to have my heart pierced by those two simple guitar tones.  The dreaded scenes - the ones that make us cry loudly and uncontrollably. 

What IS it about Brokeback Mountain that has so profoundly touched all of us?  Maybe it's not important that we know why ... maybe it's good enough to embrace it... and let be.  After all, we've got to stand it.

Hugs and a tip of an ivory colored cowboy hat.

[FlwrChild]

"Powerful and so full of natural truth that it hurts."

Well said guyinjax, that's a great description. And what a wonderful post LJN.


Normal? I really have no sense of normal. I've been bouncing between the different stages as well, but have somehow managed to skip getting out of denial on my way to acceptance. I think I'm actually making progress on the acceptance, as far as embracing all the good things I think of when I think of Heath. And trying to build on that inspiration that he's given me to live my life more fully, etc. And I truly believe he didn't suffer at the end, went peacefully in his sleep.

But then out of nowhere, I still keep thinking "It just isn't possible, it can't be real. He can't really be gone."

I think that part will just take longer than the rest. So I smile for the happy memories and when I watch one of his movies. I cry when I hear certain songs, or quotes from his films, or see his picture. I take heart from the lessons he helped me learn. And I heal a little more every day.

And that's enough for me. I'll just have to let the 'accepting he's gone' part happen when it's ready to happen.

And meanwhile, to quote guyinjax again,

"I have been so touched and moved by everyone's posts.  And I've felt safe posting here.  Take heart ... ennisjack.com is our mountain, and we can shout anything we need to from it.  We're all listening.  We're all here."

Beautiful.

[chameau]

Oh my, when I think I'm about to get over it... I read your recent posts and here I go again...  :\'(

To all off you LJN, Lis, Tony, Flwrchild & guyinjax  and thanks for the fabulous posts.

The thruth is, Heath will live forever in our memories and no one could take him from us.

I agree with you guyinjax, Gustavo is a killer but a genius one.  We love  him indeed, I'm not a musician but have been a eager listener and collector and even studied classical music & opera.  Gustavo is really a genius... and he composed all the music even before the movie was shot but I'm off topic and there is one thread about this somewhere... I'll try to retreive it. 

[titabeille]

speaking of the pic jakelandia posted, here is a little something very near and dear to my heart:

  Koka, it's wonderful 

[Emzan]

Today I decided to not go over and over with, he's dead, he's not going to do any more movie, and so on. I decided to celebrate his life and to be happy. Even If I cry when I see his movies or pictures of him. I don't think he wanted us to be sad and cry over him. I have bad days when I want to sit in a corner and cry but I'm trying hard not to.
Today I decided to let go of all the sad thing and focus on the good Because I think that's what he wanted

[Lis]

Today I decided to not go over and over with, he's dead, he's not going to do any more movie, and so on. I decided to celebrate his life and to be happy. Even If I cry when I see his movies or pictures of him. I don't think he wanted us to be sad and cry over him. I have bad days when I want to sit in a corner and cry but I'm trying hard not to.
Today I decided to let go of all the sad thing and focus on the good Because I think that's what he wanted

That is wonderful Emzan 
And your right, Heath would've wanted us all to be happy and enjoy life like he did 

[LuvJackNasty]

. I don't know why but Daniel's tribute to Heath brought shivers down my spine and the BAFTA tribute made me wanna break down into tears. These are the moments. I know I will never forget this man. He was a man true to our hearts, one that took risk and loved everyone he met. He lived his life to the fullest without the celebrity limelight and money. He found love, had a daughter, and did movies that brought him and everyone around him, great joy. This is why it is hard for all of us to seem like his death is unreal.

It made some of this real, but most of me still, like you, did not make me believe that he was gone. I see him in movies, the lively figure and the smiling face and it just doesn't make any sense. How can a being so pure and so innocent, die?
Have a very lovely Valentine's Day
    
Lis 

Happy belated Valentine’s day to you too Lis.
What a beautiful post! Not only the sentiment but the wisdom behind those words.
I guess, in time, when it all settles into whatever spot it’s meant to it’ll start to feel real and the hurt will lessen into a dull ache. And I try to keep Barb’s words with me- he lived his life- didn’t sit around waiting for it to happen. He made it happen and crammed a lot into the time he was allotted. Some days are better than others, I guess. BTW, did you ever get that tribute collage done?

I have been so touched and moved by everyone's posts.  And I've felt safe posting here.  Take heart ... ennisjack.com is our mountain, and we can shout anything we need to from it.  We're all listening.  We're all here.   

What IS it about Brokeback Mountain that has so profoundly touched all of us?  Maybe it's not important that we know why ... maybe it's good enough to embrace it... and let be.  After all, we've got to stand it.

Hugs and a tip of an ivory colored cowboy hat.

Hey GuyinJax 
I’m glad you’ve felt safe posting here, that’s what this community is all about- being safe to be who you are in the good and the bad times. And you’re right, we don’t need to know why this movie and those involved has touched us all so deeply- it just is. I hope you are comforted by our two favorite cowboys when you settle in tomorrow night to go up the mountain with them. 

[LuvJackNasty]

Today I decided to not go over and over with, he's dead, he's not going to do any more movie, and so on. I decided to celebrate his life and to be happy. Even If I cry when I see his movies or pictures of him. I don't think he wanted us to be sad and cry over him. I have bad days when I want to sit in a corner and cry but I'm trying hard not to.
Today I decided to let go of all the sad thing and focus on the good Because I think that's what he wanted

Emzan, that is wonderful! 

[LuvJackNasty]

Since this was the song that totally messed me up yesterday ("Who Knew" by Pink) I took some of the words last night and used them.

[FlwrChild]

It's gorgeous. Thank you for sharing it.

Emzan, that's a wonderful resolution.

  to all. It's so nice to see that whatever phase each of us is in, the one thing we all have in common is our celebration of Heath and his life.

Going through more old interviews earlier, I came across this:

Guest Likelife*Did you always want to be an actor? If not, when you were little what did you want to be when you grew up?

Heath Ledger* A nuclear physicist!

Heath Ledger* No, I never stopped to think about it as a kid.

Heath Ledger* I was too busy playing.

Guest Sarah* If there were anything you could change in your life, back in time, what would you change? (Happy Birthday, by the way:-))

Heath Ledger* Nothing.

From a 1999 interview for the premiere of 10 Things I Hate About You


That just made me feel good.

[Nikita111]

Lately I have been trying to run away from it. But today it got me again. Dearest Heath, i love you darling, it hurts so much seing your beautiful face and your photos. I is so unfair, darling. You were such light, such Sun in my life and you are gone. I love you, I love you forever. I know I will never forget you. forever.

[FlwrChild]

  Nikita111 

[hpv]

There is nothing to fix this. No way to change this.There isn’t anything we can do to change the ending.  The mind conjures up many, at times too many, thoughts. Some of them should be comforting: “This was meant to be”; “One day we’ll be okay” etc. And those are all very valid and true and I think some small part of me takes comfort in them even if I don’t believe them just yet. But the heart? The heart tells quite a different story. The heart is not only bruised and broken; it is angry and it tells the mind to shut the hell up. Maybe one day the heart will come to understand what the mind has been trying to tell it but it will never accept.

     
You are so good with words....I have goosebumps,  how did you managed to read my mind.... it's like you wrote exactly what I was thinking since the first time I heard those words "Heath passed away...."  :\'(


(BTW, I read it yesterday,but couldn't replay was too emotionally wrecked)

[keren_b]

Since this was the song that totally messed me up yesterday ("Who Knew" by Pink) I took some of the words last night and used them.

Thank you for sharing it LJN, this is beautiful. :\'(

I know what you mean about denial. My mind knows he's gone, my heart refuses to accept it. I don't believe in God or heaven or the afterlife, which probably makes it harder for me to find comfort. I keep thinking about his death, but what the mind understands, the heart doesn't. Sometimes I feel like he just decided to disappear, to hide somewhere so we can't see him, but he must be somewhere on this planet... he can't be gone. It can't be that he doesn't think anything anymore, doesn't feel anything anymore... that his mind and his heart don't work anymore. I'm not stupid, I know what death is, it's just too hard to accept. There is some open space between what I know and what I try to believe, but nothing can be done about it, and if you can't fix it you've got to stand it.

[lancecowboy]

  keren_b, LJN 

I know what you mean about the heart and the mind in conflict.

I am glad you wrote what I bolded below, that I am not the only one. For a while, I thought that this nightmare was just a cruel hoax, by the Dark Night marketing people. That on the premiere night, Heath would walk down the red carpet. Or, that this was Heath's way of bowing out of Hollywood, to retire and spend his time with Matilda. He had said more than once that when acting is no longer fun and meaningful, he would quit. So many different versions go through my mind, then I realize, they are the way my heart tries to convince my mind. Denial, it can be such a powerful mechanism.

What you quoted from the movie and the short story, and I colored red below, is what keeps me going...and the last scene from the movie, of Ennis/Heath, tears in his eyes and a slight smile, thinking of Jack on Brokeback Mountain... :\'( the bittersweet remembrance of good times past, and the peace of hope in the future.

 

And I should add, the other big part of keeping me going day to day is this forum, the friendship and understanding that permeates everything here. 

Thank you for sharing it LJN, this is beautiful. :\'(

I know what you mean about denial. My mind knows he's gone, my heart refuses to accept it. I don't believe in God or heaven or the afterlife, which probably makes it harder for me to find comfort. I keep thinking about his death, but what the mind understands, the heart doesn't. Sometimes I feel like he just decided to disappear, to hide somewhere so we can't see him, but he must be somewhere on this planet... he can't be gone. It can't be that he doesn't think anything anymore, doesn't feel anything anymore... that his mind and his heart don't work anymore. I'm not stupid, I know what death is, it's just too hard to accept. There is some open space between what I know and what I try to believe, but nothing can't be done about it, and if you can't fix it you've got to stand it.

[Rosie]

Since this was the song that totally messed me up yesterday ("Who Knew" by Pink) I took some of the words last night and used them.

 :\'( :\'( :\'( :\'(

LJN and everyone. 

[Rosie]

Thank you for sharing it LJN, this is beautiful. :\'(

I know what you mean about denial. My mind knows he's gone, my heart refuses to accept it. I don't believe in God or heaven or the afterlife, which probably makes it harder for me to find comfort. I keep thinking about his death, but what the mind understands, the heart doesn't. Sometimes I feel like he just decided to disappear, to hide somewhere so we can't see him, but he must be somewhere on this planet... he can't be gone. It can't be that he doesn't think anything anymore, doesn't feel anything anymore... that his mind and his heart don't work anymore. I'm not stupid, I know what death is, it's just too hard to accept. There is some open space between what I know and what I try to believe, but nothing can't be done about it, and if you can't fix it you've got to stand it.

Keren. 

[ArmandoProductions]

It's sad that he had to go so soon
He was such an amazing person & actor.

[Lis]

Just a few minutes ago I was looking outside my living room window and saw a beautiful bird. I have no idea what kind but it was small, with a light brown and white-ish color. It was one I have never seen before, at least I don't think. I grabbed my camera and tried to focus in on it, only to find out that when I took it and looked back at the picture, the bird wasn't there. I zoomed in onto the picture and all I could see was this white smudge on the camera. I decided to take a few more, thinking it might have been a smudge from the window. I took 4 more, in the same position and there was no white mark again.
What does this mean? I have no idea. I don't believe in reincarnation but I do believe in spirits and signs. Was this a sign for me? Since I do not dream vivid dreams, was this a sign to tell me that Heath is at peace? I will never know, but all I know is now I have the goosebumps