I am a total wreck tonight. I keep looking at Heath's pictures, and I can't stop crying. I know I need to stop looking at him, thinking about him, and talking about him. I need to get him out of my mind. I can't stand it. I'm sick of crying. I'm angry that he's gone. I keep thinking "if only." It's not fair. There is a huge empty place in my heart, and somehow even in my life. It doesn't make any sese. I don't even have a friend or family member that I would feel this bad about if they died. If you knew my life, that would sound as bad as it does.
He was a bright spot in the world, and now it's just empty and dark, and even though he was never with me, I feel his absence and incredibly lonely right now. And I think about all the drugs I have in my nightstand, everything he had and more.
This is a very bad night for me. And like he said, and I have been saying for a year, "I feel good about dying." Most of the time I hope I don't wake up in the morning. That's how I'll feel when I go to bed tonight.
Good night everybody. :\'( :\'(