I was going to post some of the following yesterday but it put me back into a very dark place, so much so that all of my BBM stuff is now sitting in a box- I packed it all away because I couldn't stand to look at it anymore.
I was wondering if anyone else is stuck in the in-between place. I guess I’m feeling lost, if that’s the right word, sort of like a sheep that’s gotten separated from the flock. And I can't seem to transition back to life before 1/22- everything is upside down and inside out. I know it won't ever be the same again but Iguess I'm trying to find that new "normal". I always said it would take something big to shake me back down to “reality” again but I never expected nor wanted this. Then I started wondering if this was some kind of "sign"- to come down off the mountain-you know the bad storm from the pacific rolling in. Our paradise lost? I don't mean to turn his death into some kind of mission statement or whatever and of the day- he died. We will all die. There doesn't have to be a bigger reason behind it all- that's just life but yet it feels like there should be some reason behind it. Because it's senseless, untimely, tragic, heart-breaking and I guess in order to try and make some sense of it I need to grasp at straws or something. I guess I'm feeling a sense of "it's only fun until someone gets hurt" and then the “game” is over.
I kept thinking of AP's words- "the imagined power of BBM". But could it have been imaginary? No. There is no way that "power" wasn't real. And yet, I just can’t seem to get back to “normal”- J/E seem like strangers- I saw a vid with the reunion kiss in it and I had no reaction to it, tried to look at Jake pics last week, you know dipping a toe in, and it may as well have been a blank screen, no reaction; I have no interest in my fan fics. Friday night I went into the meets threads and looked at the three NY ones I was a part of in October and November. I guess trying to remember why I’m here, the really good times etc. And yeah I smiled and kind of felt good. But then it started to remind me of my last trip to NY and how everything just crashed down. There was that sharp contrast between the first three meets- the high, the euphoria, the love- just brokies being brokies and then how the January trip was such a harsh, horrible reality that I still can't find the words to describe it-everything changed for me then.
I guess I’m just at odds with myself in the sense that I know nothing will ever be the same again and the reason behind it is too heartbreaking to put into words. We’ve lost someone we love; someone who we didn't have the privelege to really know but who meant a great deal to us regardless. His poor parents had the unimaginable task of burying their child-something I hope to never experience and a little girl will grow up never really knowing her Daddy. I know it happens everyday in the world but not in my world and I guess I just don’t know how to reconcile it. I guess I should stop because this is turning into another non-sensical ramble.
Michelle, my sweet Michelle, that's so sad baby. I've cried a lot reading this. For me you've always been the perfect true brokie. Your devotion and love for BBM have been overwhelming and utterly beautiful these two last years. So please, don't say to me that the dream is over. First we lost Jack, then Heath, now you want come down off the mountain..... :\'( :\'( What will be the next? Brokies leaving this wonderful place, my home? Ennis and Jack being forgotten? I can't believe that our boys seem like strangers to you. No way, no way!! You're the only person that I know that always cries when she reads something about Jack, the one who was writing that delicious stuff about a king size bed, the one who had always precious words for our boys, for every fault and mistake they had, the brokie that always is there, supporting, understanding, loving.
I can’t even write this. It hurts so much to see you in such a pain. I wish with all my strength to have nice words to tell you, to make you feel a little bit better, but the truth is I don’t know what to do. I understand your sadness so well but I can’t help to be selfish. Don’t leave us alone here Michelle, ‘cause if you give up I’ll feel this place like if there were no any brokie here.
There was a time when I had all my BBM stuff in a box, remember that? I told you my story in a PM after my post in the PBS thread. World, life didn’t make sense to me. But then, one day I met people like me and the sun started to shine again. That was the day I came to this forum. I opened that BBM box and started to live again. So please give yourself time, put your things in a box if you want, hide yourself in an old tent in the most dark place of the mountain, cry rivers ‘cause you need it, but never, never, never come down off the mountain, ‘cause Ennis and Jack taught us not to make the same mistake as them, ‘cause Heath deserve more than that, sweetie. They were so brave, Jack with all those damn broken dreams, Ennis with a life full of regret in from of him, and Heath, so tired, so sick, but so in love with life, wanting go on, wanting to life in that mountain made of dreams and love the rest of his life. Now it’s our turn to be brave, to stand for everything we love. You can’t leave behind the thing that made you understand your previous life (remember that letter to Annie?), the treasure that cured you heart like no other medicine did. Like Heath, you deserve more than that.
I know it’s going to be real hard. Heath was a human being irreplaceable, but so you are, and Heath and the rest of the brokies don’t want you to loose you life in that rough sea of sadness. Time heals everything. Still it doesn’t seem to work for me, but I have faith, and some day, some day…You will see.
All of us love you more than you believe. I can’t stand the idea of you being so shattered. You know when people die, they keep leaving in the hearts of those who loved them, so if you keep living with a smile in your face, Heath keeps smiling too. You recognize love in the facts of those who love, so don’t let the pain and sadness speaks in the name of your love for Heath, ‘cause love, true love is stronger than death, and all the love Heath gave when he was alive never will dies, and that is a thing to celebrate, not a thing to hide in a box with every beautiful thing that made you smile just once month ago. Michelle, let’s bury that beloved body, but please let’s save all the beauty and all those marvellous things he gave us to treasure in our hearts. BBM was one of them, the most precious thing. In time, I know, that old cold time in the mountain will cure your soul, ‘cause one day, long time ago, that same mountain cured millions of hearts, when all that people thought they were alone with they suffering in the world.
I’ll be there waiting for you.
